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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Personal Peace (06/01/06)
Silently he kneels alone
Into the void, his whispered prayer
Asking help from the unknown
Singing the song, “Life’s Unfair”

Into his life pain has crept
Causing grief which will not ease
Through his world a wind has swept
Laying bare a life at siege

For his anguish, no rhyme nor reason
Fearful, he does not understand
Why must he endure this season?
Why can life not go as planned?

Happiness lies beyond his reach
Joy is just a fairytale feeling
Tears form shining pools beneath his feet
A broken spirit resists all healing

From the void echoes the whispered prayer
His silent answer from the unknown
Balling fists, he casts them to the air
And collapses with a mournful groan

Lying prone, in his ear a tickle
“You do not know whose help you ask”
“With me, your love has been so fickle”
“Look upon me now, there is no mask”

“I am with you here upon your knees”
“I am with you as you twist in vain”
“I am aware of all your needs”
“And I have knowledge of all your pain”

“Though I cannot protect from agony”
“Through obedience there can be gain”
“For only if you truly know me”
“Can I cleanse you of the stain”

Silently upon the ground he kneels
Aware, now, he is not alone
Deep within his soul he feels
The peace of knowing what was unknown
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Member Comments
Member
Date
david grant
06/09/06
Gosh I could identify with this! I have been there and heart that voice!
Great writing!
A Davey for true communication.

Brenda Craig
06/12/06
Wow! What a first. I could feel the agony. Can't wait for more. Kudos! Hats off and all that.
Jan Ackerson
06/12/06
You're too hard on yourself, Joe, this is good stuff. You absolutely captured the raw emotions here. My only suggestion would be to tighten up the meter a bit, but this is a very creditable first poem, with many wonderful phrases and images.
Dr. Sharon Schuetz
06/13/06
Joe, I can't wait to see what you come up with, with a little practice. Goo job. I really liked it.
dub W
06/13/06
It has good meaning, it probably needs to be restructured and more attention to pace paid.
Sherril Wendling
06/14/06
Powerful pictures and emotions here, along with strong concepts: "The peace of knowing what was unknown." Back when I started writing verse, I would have welcomed any sign of the emotional freedom and heart-flow I see here!

You've already received some solid critiquing, so I won't nitpick here. It'll be exciting to watch your poetry grow, Joe! (Hmm, nice rhyme...)