Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Step(s) (11/29/12)
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TITLE: I'm Walking Now, Jesus! | Previous Challenge Entry
By lynn gipson
12/02/12 -
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I know it comes first, before the talking thing,
I’ve waited patiently and watched my brother do it,
He makes it look so easy, like there’s nothing to it.
Let’s see, first of all, where to find my balance?
For a person my age, that can be a challenge.
I pick up my right foot in front of the other,
Wobbling as I go, holding to my mother.
Letting go of her hand and shuffling my feet,
Plop! Down I go. This is harder than it seems.
Landing on my booty, glad it’s padded there,
Rising once again and reaching for a chair.
Practice makes perfect, that‘s the only way.
“Go, Sport, go!” I hear my daddy say.
I see my brother laughing, what is so very funny?
Try this in my shoes, you wouldn’t be so sunny!
…………..
Okay Jesus, we’ve worked on this for weeks,
I’ve gotten better at it, nimbler on my feet.
Ready to show off now, this is my debut,
Steady me, Jesus, I‘m walking with you!
Starting from the sofa, my little feet take off,
I’m walking in faith, just the way you taught.
All at once my legs take flight and I am fancy free,
I‘m walking now, Jesus! Just don’t let go of me!
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Colin Swann (GOLD)
You seemed to be missing a word in this line: holding to my mother. I think you could fix it by saying holding onto Mother (the extra word on is balanced by removing the word my) Some of the rhymes felt a bit forced for me. For ex: weeks and feet. I wonder if you could switch it so weeks rhymes with tweaks Something like My feet are nimbler after I applied some tweaks.
They may not be perfect lines but I just wanted to give you my thoughts on it. Overall, I enjoyed this poem so much. I'm sure many people thought about Baby's first steps. Though I've read about half of the articles, I don't remember too many, if any stories yet on this. But even if there are tons, this will still stand tall among them. You nailed the topic and for me grabbed my attention immediately. I also appreciate the subtle correlation to baby steps for people and baby steps for Christians. Like anything worthwhile in life, we may fall down and bruise our bums but Jesus is still there holding our hand and doing his own version of a Happy Dance each time we please him. I'm sure that this piece left Jesus dancing and it left me with a warm safe smile.