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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Fulfillment (04/06/06)
As I leaned on my husband tears began to stream down my face, I was overwhelmed with grief and despair. As I sat in my family room, it hit me...I realize that my siblings were somewhere in the same city smoking crack or selling their bodies to get there next fix.
At that moment I realized that my reality... was an unreachable dream for most people, not that I have a whole lot, but I do have what I need.
My sister called me the other night she had told me that if she didn't have $200 in her hand by 8:30pm that she was slicing her wrist...at 8:45 I found her behind a church cold and alone. Cold and alone...cold and alone... wow when you repeat those words you can almost feel death, but that night I seen it...no life, no fulfillment...no desires...no wants, needing nothing but a warm tender hug and a little love. The one thing she needed was the only thing I had to offer her.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Marilyn Schnepp 
04/14/06
The title...should be "TOO far gone". (spelling) Your grammar also needs to be checked more carefully, and the paragraphing. However, the message was there...just needs editing. I would suggest you start in a lower level, and then work yourself up to Advanced.
Jan Ackerson
04/14/06
You have a great start here, definitely consider expanding it to a full-length short story. These are characters with really interesting stories to tell.
Beth Muehlhausen
04/18/06
The pain is obvious...and yet there is hope here. A few grammatical changes (verb tenses and sentence structure) would help the reader...but I agree that this could be a story to expand and develop. Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but If you have the Lord and your family doesn't, that's everything. :-)
Julie Michaelson
07/09/06
Thank you for this brief,
though powerful glimpse into
'real' life. Continue to
write! Writing style, grammar, and sense of voice
comes with practice. Also, I
sincerely advise you to encourage your siblings seek professional help. I have had suicide in my family, and any mention of it needs to be taken extremely seriously.