Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: CHILL (10/27/16)
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TITLE: Compose The Confuddled | Previous Challenge Entry
By Karen Dick
11/02/16 -
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Perspiration beaded on my forehead as I waited for the green light. Cars slowly began to move. Chill out! I’m almost there.
The line of cars crawled along for two blocks and then I turned into the doctor’s parking lot. My small car fit conveniently in a space next to the exit and faced the street. With the car turned off, I laid back my head. Calm yourself, lower the blood pressure! Across the street was the truck that had cut me off. I glared at it then noticed the driver was glaring back. Quickly I glanced down and picked an imaginary piece of lint off of my jeans.
After waiting a sufficient amount of time, I grabbed my handbag and opened the car door. My legs swung out and I looked up in time to see the trucker walking by. He turned his head to glance at me and continued on. I swallowed and slowly stood. I examined my surroundings then rushed into the building.
I held my breath and waited after I pushed the elevator button. The doors slowly slid open and with the small compartment empty, I hopped in quickly and immediately hit the close button. I turned to see the trucker standing outside the elevator as the doors slid closed. Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead as I clutched my purse tightly. When the elevator stopped, I quickly rushed into the doctor’s office.
The restroom was vacant so I entered and locked myself in. The metal door was cold against my back as I leaned against it. Breathe in, breathe out.
I stood there for some time until there was a loud knock. Lord, please help me. The door knob turned with difficulty underneath my sweaty hand. As it opened, I found myself once again locking eyes with the trucker. A shiver coursed down my spine as I squeezed past him and stumbled my way to the lobby.
“Good morning!” A blonde receptionist cheerfully greeted me. I mumbled a response back to her as I fumbled in my purse for glasses while scanning the room. Once signed in, I sunk into a cushioned chair. A large clock on the wall showed I was on time. I closed my eyes briefly and willed my body to unwind. My chest rose as I breathed in deeply. I must relax.
A young couple faced me. Their infant occupied their attention, while a woman to my right knitted something pink. Soft classical music pushed through the wall speakers into the softly lit room. They’re just attempting to pacify their patients.
The clock hands inched along and I once again glanced at my watch. How long will this take? Two hours until I have to pick up the kids. I squeezed my hands together as I swung my leg.
A baby’s cry suddenly sounded from a back room. Indistinguishable adult murmurings attempted to console the infant. With my head lowered I dug in my purse for a tissue and willed the clock to move.
A young woman in a red suit abruptly entered the lobby and strolled to the front desk. There were cheerful exchanges with the receptionist.
“Thank ya Miss Darla. I sure appreciate your flexibility and gettin’ me in so darn quickly.” She then disappeared behind a door.
I sat up straight and scowled at the clock as I noticed it was now forty-five minutes past my appointment time. My foot tapped as heat rose to my face.
It wasn’t long before the door Miss Red Suit had entered opened again.
“Thank ya again ya’ll!” She smiled and waved joyfully as she exited the office.
I squirmed in my chair and stared at my feet. My heart quickened when I heard a door squeak open. I looked up to find myself staring into the eyes of the trucker.
The door closed behind him and he nodded at me. He held his baby tightly in one arm while his other was around a young woman beside him as they slowly left the room. I looked down at my lap and pressed my lips together as a giggle threatened to escape.
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I did notice you used sweat a few times to indicate nervousness. You might want to mix it up a bit. Think of other things people might do when nervous such as crack their knuckles, lack lips, jiggle hands or knees, twirl a piece of hair, tap foot and so on.
I liked how the trucker kept showing up. It helped build the suspense and conflict even more. I felt a bit confused at the end, but finally figured out the big scary trucker was the one muttering soothing phrases to the tiny baby. I think it's a great ending, but wonder if it might have been even better if you had used more of your wonderful descriptions. Perhaps something like: The giant arms, speckled with tattoos, didn't seem as intimidating as I watched those arms cradle the tiny baby.
It's not much different than what you did, but perhaps less rushed. The ending is often the most difficult part to write, especially with such a tight word count. You did a great job and left me with a smile and a warm fuzzy feeling. I can totally relate to the MC.