Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Endless (01/09/14)
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TITLE: Try again | Previous Challenge Entry
By Wesley Hesketh
01/09/14 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
My sins they never end.
The echo of so long ago
Is a bitter friend.
I try, as I ask forgiveness
But it all comes out a lie.
Confused I don’t know where to turn
I fail at every try.
I’m looking for the Father
Cannot find Him anywhere.
I hold on to this one hope
With love He’ll always care.
I’m sad ‘cause I can’t get it right
It makes me want to scream.
The sins are tearing down my mind
Caught in a dream.
This madness goes on endlessly
But I found a way.
It’s when I knelt on my knees
In tears began to pray.
Father I’m so sinful
My nature gives me up.
Let me be revived again
Not drink from this broken cup.
My love for You is endless
I cannot turn away.
I hear Your voice in whispers
It’s there each time I pray.
I wondered if God forgave me
I looked up in the air.
The clouds streak his signature
Signed there to shows he cared.
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Just a suggestion: your fourth line might deliver a better rhythm with 6 syllables. The line before it is 8. Instead of "Is a bitter friend", try adding one syllable, like: "Is such a bitter friend" and notice the difference. In your second quatrain (set of four line stanzas)you did as I suggest. The 3rd line was 8 syllables and fourth line 6 syllables. The cadence was great there. You can experiment with different numbers of syllables in your lines and see how it can effect each overall piece. Hope that helps. I'm still learning poetry myself, but I enjoy it.
Great work on this one. Keep writing!
God bless~