Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Irritated (11/08/12)
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TITLE: Screwtape 2012 | Previous Challenge Entry
By Joshua Paul Bechtel
11/10/12 -
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"Of course I was right."
The two exchanged high fives, and toasted to their inerrant understanding of the human race.
"But...how did you know?"
"Hah! That was easy. They are such an easy read it is boring."
"Please explain."
"Don't you remember Eden?"
Gales of laughter.
"Don't you remember... they sold authority for (snicker) the FRUIT... WE KEPT THEM FROM THE TREE THAT REALLY MATTERS."
More gales of laughter.
"So...?"
"So? Where have you been?" He slapped his knee and gasped for breath. They...they...they...always do this...eventually."
"Do what?"
"Trade the authority of the realm for...fruit. Trade direct access into His realm for religion and rituals. Trade power with God for land..."
He gasped for breath and his merriment continued.
"Just now...ah...it is so rich. We got them to do what we could not get the Christ to do." His eyes narrowed.
"You mean when He refused the temptation....?"
"Pah! Yes! That foul day...yes...I failed then. But. Not now. They have traded! traded! Aha! Kingdom for...for...aha...votes!"
"I see your point...sort of."
"And...the election was...aha...rich...a total wrap."
Another high five.
"They are...as divided as i have ever seen them. They are angry at each other... Ah... the news from there is...rich! Rich, I tell you! They have no idea they have played into my...."
A rap on the door suddenly chilled the merriment.
A messenger approached.
"My lord...I bring disturbing news. It turns out...not all took your bait..."
"What????!"
"Some...quietly....followed HIS example."
There was a grim silence.
"So...that...THAT...has happened....AGAIN?"
"Convene the counsel!"
"My lord, the 'Sleeping Giant'...the real one...has never really been asleep...it was simply hiding in plain sight and..."
"Silence! Be gone! Convene the counsel!"
(Apologies to CS Lewis and Screwtape Letters)
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For me personally, the ellipses were a distraction. Like many experts suggest, I believe ellipses, em dashes and exclamation points should be used sparingly. Using them often takes away the impact that they are meant to have. Plus you do such a great job of picking just the right verbs, that you don't need the punctuation to do your pausing or exclaiming.
I liked how the ending brought the story full circle. You did a nice job of building the content and describing the scenes as they unfolded. Good job.