The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I think you have a good story here, but you're not conveying everything that's in your head onto the page for us. A little more info, and a clearer point of view would make this a much better read.
I think you’re trying to show how Barbara is saved from being reconnected to druggie Marc by God intervening with her daughter’s theft of the sunglasses. ? Correct me if I’m wrong. I’m confused because the move from para three to four was so abrupt; initially I thought the child was in the same room as the man. Maybe you’re trying to tell too many stories here. Watch your tenses, you start with him in the present and move him into the past in the second para. Love the nuances behind: ‘she was captive to the possibilities’. Yeggy
I was confused, too. I think Marc is a fully realized character, I just didn't have enough description of times and places to tell me what was going on. And I think the last sentence was anti-climactic. Give this a re-write, and I think you'll have a powerful story of "what might have been."
I share the comments of the above readers. I wondered if the man in the room was a relative who had died and Marc was offering his sympathy.