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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Hot and Cold (04/09/09)
It’s finally time. I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time, you know. Here they come!

Boy, they look happy! Fathers are bouncing their small children on their shoulders. I can see some shiny bald spots amongst their lot. Mothers are smiling and fiddling with their gold necklaces. The singing of women is competing with the baaing of sheep and the braying of donkeys. It looks like the little boys are eating pancakes and of course the little girls are doing what they like best to do, swinging their braids.

Oh, my, what is that smell? Someone stinks! Must be them because it is hot out here! They sure could use a bath. Maybe they are planning on jumping into the sea for a swim.

No, I guess not. They stopped at the edge. I think I’ll get closer so I can hear them better.

It looks like they have some shade at the moment. That’s good.

Wow, those people change temperament fast. They are screaming now like someone cut off their big toe! The children are hiding behind their mothers and the fathers are digging through their luggage. Looks like they are afraid. Chicken, anyone?

Beyond the crowd I see dust rising in the distance. I know what that means. The pounding of hooves and the crushing roll of wheels will soon be heard.

Being so close, I can hear their mumbling. What have you done to us? They ask.

The old man in the front with the long white beard and dusty robes raises his hand and smiles at them, but they continue their complaining. I bet they’d like a grumble burger. Yeah, I can call it a grinder.

Excuse me for just a minute. I need to move around a bit.

There. Now they look a little more relaxed. Still, I think if they could they’d be running for their lives. Too bad that sea is in the way.

Night is almost here. I bet they are afraid of the dark, too. Time to get to my job. I have the night light shift.

All ready! My light at least gives a little heat because someone must have turned down the thermostat. It’s freezing out here! It must be time for some ice scream. Oh, I hope not. They just settled down.

The old man is raising his hand again…this time he’s got a long crooked stick in it. What is he up to?

Would you look at that? There’s a path right in front of them.

They are actually walking into the sea! Maybe they won’t smell so bad then. I don’t notice any water on their clothes, though.

That must be because the water is split in two. Maybe instead of a burger, they should have split-sea soup! Still that sounds a bit too wet.

I think I’ll just follow along after them.

They are singing again. Such happy people…when everything is going right.

It sure is going to take them a long time for all those people and luggage to get over to the other side. They might have to use the whole night. Tomorrow they will probably be cooking up some hot cross bunions.

Behind me I hear the horses snorting and the wheels churning as the soldiers ride on. They don’t seem to think anything of the miracle in front of them. Hehe…maybe that’s because they can’t see anything. I turned out the light behind me. Yeah, and now their wheels keep getting stuck. Boom! One down! Boom! Strike two! This is almost like bowling….yeah, a bowl of chair-ios!

The sun is starting to rise on the horizon. I guess it’s time to turn out the light and provide some shade. The people have all crossed over. Time for the Egyptians to go for a swim?

Ahh, the sound of singing has begun again. Party time! I just hope they remember this day on all the hot days and cold nights ahead. I don’t plan on leaving them. That’s for sure. As sure as a cloud on a rainy day or a fire in a woodstove I’ll be there. Speaking of which…anybody got some fluffy marshmallows? I bet one could scorch some just right in this heat.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Anita van der Elst
04/16/09
Oh, this was clever & punny! (I'm a pun-enthusiast). The MC was the pillar of smoke and fire, right?
Jan Ackerson
04/19/09
Clever and creative.

With such an unusual POV, I think it'd be better to let your readers know right away "what's" speaking. I was confused all the way through until nearly the end when I finally got it.

I'd never have thought of this story for this week's topic--well done!
Ruth Ann Moore
04/20/09
A very interesting point of view. It took a little bit, but I figured it out. :)
Joshua Janoski
04/22/09
I agree with what everyone else had said.

First of all, this was INCREDIBLY creative! I would have never thought of using this POV, but it fits the topic perfectly.

Second, if you introduce the MCs right away, then it makes the story much easier to follow. I figured it out by the end though.

Regardless, this was a unique entry that was a lot of fun to read, and I appreciate you sharing it with us. :)