The Official Writing Challenge
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Beautifully written with a lovely tie in to the truth!
Your story brought back a memory of a little song that my grandmother taught me. JESUS AND OTHERS AND YOU! WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO SPELL JOY! Your story makes us think & keep our priorities straight. Thanks!
J.O.Y is well written. The storyline was consistent and the transitions were all on target. Keep writing and I will keep reading. You share a fresh creative meaning to the word J.O.Y. Thanks. P.K. Roberts
The idea of this story is great. A subtle way of bringing us to appreciate how JOY worked out for his man. Your work shows lots of promise but, forgive me the but, but this is the only way to improve and I’m sure you want to! Here are some technical things to consider.
When you edit your work look for unnecessary or obsolete words: ‘in his life’ ‘but’ ‘what with’ ‘as it were’ ‘even’ ‘once’ they slow down the pace and eat up your word allowance. Give the neighbour a name. Saves unwieldy words like ‘that man’ also eat inton your word count. Avoid starting sentences with ‘As the neighbour drove’ we know Rohan is in the car, go straight to him, then tell us about the crazy driving and his uncle. Check for spelling errors like cant/can’t. You don’t need to tell us uncle addressed his kind neighbour. Give the neighbour a name and you can get straight into the dialogue. Technical tip: Mr.Louis? He said – even though you’ve finished the sentence with a ? he should be lower case. You tell your story well!
Wow ... a very powerful demonstration of putting Jesus first and self last. Thank you!
I enjoyed reading your entry, fast paced, events moving along. I liked your style of narrative, I liked the tone of your story. And it really has a great ending.
Well written. I have always liked the "Jesus first, Others next and Yourself last" analogy. However Louis' first statement is a request for forgiveness, which is quite appropriate for a dying man. But the request was for himself, his sins. In putting Christ first words might have been,
"Lord, thy will be done." If you ever rewrite this story you will need to choose the uncle's first words carefully knowing the story pivots around the essence of JOY.
It's a great story.
My only purpose in commenting is to help you make it an even better story.