Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Anniversary (04/11/05)
TITLE: Surviving 50 Anniversaries
By Matthew Morgan
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Saving him from his own incompetence, the Jewelry Industry Council compiled a handy, albeit self-serving, list of traditional anniversary gifts: first – gold, tenth – diamond, seventeenth – a watch (in case she has survived seventeen years without one). However, for the less traditional men, here is an alternative anniversary list to help them.
First Anniversary: A paper hat. Seriously, couples do not remember their first year of marriage. You two are so googley-eyed for each other that anything is cute. If you don’t believe me, burp in front of her; she’ll laugh.
Second Anniversary: Buy her a pet. The nuances like your nightly wildebeest imitation, your “boar”-ing conversations, and your pig-like housekeeping skills make this year the Animal Anniversary. If you don’t believe me, burp in front of her; she won’t laugh.
Third Anniversary: This year, buy her a washer and dryer. Normally she will not appreciate appliances, but it’s time she stops doing laundry at her mother’s house. There are things mothers should not know about her son-in-laws. One pair of socks in a week’s laundry might be a telltale tip.
Fourth Anniversary: The appliance and flowers anniversary! Gaining self-confidence over her polite appreciation of the washer and dryer last year, you buy her that blender she liked. After retrieving the shattered pieces of your self-confidence – and the blender - you head back to the store to pick up a dozen roses.
Fifth Anniversary: Take her to a nice cabin and rekindle the romance. Yes, it is expensive, but remember – your gift last year sucked hard-boiled eggs through a twisty straw.
Sixth through Ninth: Thanks to the fifth anniversary, these are the “Fast Food and Cartoons” anniversaries you will spend together with the extra gift from number five, your child.
Tenth: Remembering that incredible fifth-anniversary weekend, you decided to retrace those steps, leaving number five’s bonus with your mother.
Eleventh through Nineteenth: More fast food and cartoons – this time with the twins.
Twentieth anniversary: Thanks to the mysterious shrinking of her old ring (stick with that story), it is time to replace it with another to remind her of “Till Death Do us Part.” Make it a good ring so she doesn’t think about that line too much.
Twenty-first / Thirtieth anniversary: The kids and their spouses make a special dinner for your anniversary as you reflect back on the last thirty years. Thirty? What happened to the twenties?
Thirtieth anniversary: Wasn’t last year your thirtieth? Remember that romantic cabin in the woods?
Thirty-first: After mistakenly redecorating the house to make room for the new addition, this is now the “Happy Pill and Air Conditioning” Anniversary.
Thirty-fifth: Remember that romantic cabin in the woods? Don’t be offended when she runs of the room screaming. Be offended if she answers, “What cabin?”
Fortieth: You two will get huge bifocals and hearing aids. Just hope you remember who gets what.
Forty-fifth: Buy a monster motor home, stock the fridge, pack your fishing gear, and take off for a cross-country road trip!
Forty-sixth: Go back and pick up your wife. You may want to brush up on your senility-skills if you want to make it to forty-seven.
Forty-seventh: Plan a romantic dinner with candlelight, table linens, and the best dinner you can buy or make. Make sure you remember the music; the dinner table has been oddly quiet since number forty-six.
Forty-eighth: See forty-seven.
Forty-nine: See forty-eight.
Fifty: Frame a picture of you two at your wedding. Tell her that she is still that same beautiful woman and that you love her even more today. Not many people could have stuck beside you for fifty years; she is a special woman. At this point, please DON’T burp in front of her.
More jewelry wouldn’t hurt, either.
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