The Official Writing Challenge
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06/16/06
I absolutely loved this. The descriptions, the crisp dialogue. Not too much, not too little. And the way you started eased me right into it. Great job!
I thought there was much good in this article, but that the best part was left out. I wanted to hear the why she xhose to see her father. Who contacted who? I wanted to hear her struggles with pain and anger to reach this point. I found that without those, the story was like reading the first page and last chapter of long story. I think you did a good job of writing the father. I think you did well in the details, but because the article was too short to contain the story, the details were too few as well. This would make a better book or novella than a challenge article. The fact that I had so much to say only says that what was there was well done and I want more. Miss Andre.
06/17/06
Great story, but I'm with Andre - WHY was she coming back today?? Does she want money? Is she ill? Does she want an inheritance? We KNOW why she was kicked out many years before, but SO MUCH we don't know. Well written, however.
06/19/06
Many things I liked here, and a couple of concerns. First, try to elimate many of the speech tags - he said.
Show the action of the speech. Secondly, be careful not to open stories within stories, that are not completed by the close - tough to do in 700 words.
I really liked the story overall; especially since it dealth with a part of life on which few write - the wealthy hurt too. Thanks for sharing this, I think you are starting toward greater things.
06/19/06
Compelling story! For me, the story was very visual -- I was right there with you through it all. I loved it! Thanks for sharing! :)
06/19/06
Excellent visualization in your writing. The very first paragraph pierced my heart. Hit too close to home I guess. Had to stop and wipe tears out of my eyes before I could read the rest.

I agree that there are many unanswered questions that the reader will be left with, but other than that I was there from Hello Father to giddy up. It's never too late for reconciliation. I needed to hear that. Thank you.
I love the ending paragraph. The "dawn overtaking the darkness" symbolizes the light of reconciliation and forgiveness overtaking the darkness and pain of past hurts. Beautiful.
06/21/06
I'll ditto alot of above comments, but my favorite part is the "double blessing" of the twins that Charlie missed out on, I'm sure that would've been an even more difficult thing for him to deal with. Good, easy to follow, clear writing.
06/21/06
"feeling the weight of years he had thrown away." If this was the brunt of it that would be sad, however, as you described so well, just a little crack can open up grand canyons of restoration. Hope in abundance with God!
06/21/06
I loved this but I agree that there is much more to the story. Great dialogue that flowed well. A favorite line: "a second chance at abundance has walked through my door tonight." One suggestion would be to better describe the "someone" who helped with the bags and the other who showed them to her father. Also describe "Dad" as he is "standing next to the horses." Great writing!
06/21/06
Moving story, well plotted. I'll echo the commenter who recommended getting rid of speech tags, and replacing them with short descriptions of the action. PM me if I wasn't clear on that. You're a very good writer, and this minor change will bump up your writing considerably, with very little effort.
Rita, you did it again girl. I loved it. I agree with about the tags, but the story is flawless. I guess I can understand why she would choose to go home after 20 years or so. We all long to go back at times, especially when our departure wasn't on good terms. Great job.
06/22/06
Your writing reminds me, somehow, of a Nancy Drew mystery [and how I do love a mystery!] only on a deeper level. Leaving your reader wanting more shows that you have written well. I shall have to keep an eye on you so I get to read more ;)