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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Hope (05/04/06)
Keep thy eyes toward thy Father,
Do not divert to another,

Whether lost or weary way,
Beside thy Father commit to stay,

Hope cannot stand alone,
As you walk your course to home,

Stand firm in what you know.

The great deceiver’s talk is loud,
With great confidence he stands proud,

To tempt you along your way,
Beside thy Father commit to stay,

Despite the logic you think you hear,
Turn away a tentative ear,

Stand strong beside thy Father.

Look not into deceitful eyes,
Listen not to those who lie,

Whether lost or weary way,
Do not allow yourself to stray,

Darkness throughout is waiting,
For those children who are hesitating,

To keep thy eyes toward Father.

He is there, your rock in hope,
Carry on forever home,

Do not sway from thy path,
Our Father’s love is built to last,

Don’t put your faith at all in man,
But rather in thy Father’s hands.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
dub W
05/11/06
A lot of good here, but a number of issues too. The stand alone couplets are pretty good, although some forcing is evident. Watch using affected language (thy) if your whole poem is not written that way. A little work and this method could be very interesting.
Ruth Neilson
05/12/06
It is very distracting shifting from the old English ‘thy’ to the modern English ‘you.’ Kudos to you for the good rhyming job.
Jessica Schmit
05/14/06
I feel so inferior to comment on poety, as I can't write it to save my life, but I really enjoyed this piece. You communicated the theme very clearly and with passion.