Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Help (02/20/06)
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TITLE: A Soldier's Last Promise | Previous Challenge Entry
By Dara Sorensen
02/24/06 -
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He turned to his friend, a brother in arms. He was tall, dark, and older, a mentor to the young man. The young man noticed his friend’s clenched jaw and sensed his apprehension, something he too felt deep within his own soul. He uttered a silent prayer.
God, help us—be with us.
“John,” the young man said quietly, “what’s wrong?” He knew the answer was apparent, but he’d never known his older friend to be so solemn and pensive.
The older man did not respond for a time. He stared into the distance, where the foe waited in the mist. His eyes reflected a darker mood, envisioning the pain that would come. A familiar camp song echoed in his mind.
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord…
God would surely come for him today. He could feel his heart pounding in anticipation and dread, a heavy feeling of despair weighing upon him. He, too, uttered a prayer of assistance.
God, help us—be with us.
Finally, he responded to his dear young friend.
“Charlie, we've been through many battles together. We've seen what most can only have nightmares about.”
Charlie was silent.
John began again. “We’re about to march up that hill together and face the enemy, as we’ve done countless times before.” He turned to his friend, and looked directly into his clear blue eyes, eyes full of anguish. Eyes that mirrored his own.
“I have a feeling that…that I will not be marching back again.” John was not a man of emotion, but he struggled to keep back the tears. He lowered his voice to nearly a whisper.
“Charlie, I want you…I want you to do something for me…should I die.”
Charlie nodded resolutely. “Sir,” he said, “I will help you in whatever way possible.”
John smiled solemnly at the young man’s devotion and pulled out a wrinkled, weathered black- and-white print with the face of a young woman. He showed the picture to Charlie.
“She’s waiting for me at home. Her smile gets me through the day and her promise.” He swallowed deeply. “You see, we’re to be married.” He tried to swallow again, but the pain became an immovable lump in his throat.
God help us—be with us.
“Charlie, tell her where I fall. Tell her where my resting place is so she can move on. Help her…help her to see that I love her. Tell her…I’ll be waiting for her in heaven.”
He put the precious photograph back in his pocket with shaking hands. He looked over and saw his young friend wipe tears from his eyes, his brave stance sunken under the shadow of impending death.
Charlie would do as he promised—if only he were certain he would be going home again. He had been unsettled and anxious; horrifying thoughts of death haunted him in his dreams. He believed he would be meeting his Maker today as well.
“Sir,” he said, his voice trembling. “I’ll do what you ask of me, should I go back home again.” Charlie took a deep breath trying to mask the pain in his voice.
God, help us—be with us.
Now it was Charlie’s turn to ask for John’s help.
“John, I think of you as a brother. If I don’t return, will you…will you help me? Will you write to my mother?” His lip trembled as he continued and as his voice began to show a childlike quality.
“She’s already lost my father and brother…and…and I’m the last.” He wiped tears from his face as he looked at his friend, the innocence of youth reflected in his blue eyes. “Will you…promise to help me?”
John nodded gravely. “I’ll write her. I’ll make sure she knows how brave her boy was ‘til he met his Savior in heaven.”
They joined hands in this solemn brotherly promise, bound by honor and love. They had helped each other through many obstacles; they would help each other until the very end.
The trumpet sounded the last charge. The brothers in arms looked at each other one last time as they charged into battle, ready for whatever would befall them.
Based upon the traditional Civil War ballad, “The Last Fierce Charge.”
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You are an excellent writer - and definitely should be in advanced!
One small critique - and I haven't heard the song so this may be a direct quote from it (if it is, ignore what I'm about to say) - but I found the line "Her smile gets me through the day and her promise" to be awkward.
I liked the story overall, but in the beginning it seemed like you used 'young' and 'older' quite a few times. Maybe you could have picked different tags for variety?
Also, I'll admit I was a bit distracted while reading, but the dialog seemed interchangeable between the two men. I didn't see much distinction of character. If the one man was older, try using his vocabulary to reflect it.
Just my two cents and don't know if it's even worth that! :)
You used the phrase 'young man' four times in as many paragraphs...once you have established that Charlie is young, you don't have to repeat it. Maybe substitute 'warrior' or something else for 'man'.
I got a little confused when you shifted from Charlie's to John's POV and back again. Is there some way you could distinguish a little more between them?
I was taken by the emotions of the piece...that was very well done!