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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Space (01/23/06)
It was a clear, moonless night. The stars seemed to hang from a black velvet tapestry close enough to grasp them in my hand. A cool breeze wafted up from the lake bringing long wanted relief to the heat-wearied hilltop. "What a way to get away," I mumbled.

A small campfire flickered nearby casting vague, dancing shadows across the terrain. I stood alone in the darkness, savoring the cold, bitter taste of ale as I tried to hide from my own thoughts. The rustle of an opening tent drew my attention; I squinted through the pitch at the emerging shadowy figure. I whistled, fracturing the serene silence, "Hey, hey! Johnnie!" I motioned, but in the blackness I'm sure he couldn't see me, "C'mon over here, man."

"Wa'sup Rob-O?"

"Nuttin'. Just had-a get out 'cause Jen and Sam were arguin' again." I raised the bottle to my mouth and tilted my head back as the cool liquid trickled down my throat, "Grab a brew-ski, dude."

"Nah, thanks anyway," his obscure silhouette was barely visible against the darkness. "I'm not the drinkin' type."

"Geeze, man! It's just a beer," I pulled another drink from the cooler. "Enjoy."

"Why would I want to dull my senses like that?"

"I'm not dullin' my senses none. I'm makin' it easier to cope."

"Ya see, that's the difference between you 'n me," he put his hand on my shoulder. "You come all the way up here to get away from your life. I come up here to enjoy the mountain."

"Whoa, hold on there. You're getting' a little deep," another swig crossed my lips.

"I'm serious, man!" I could vaguely see his hand gesture in front of me. "What do you notice right now?"

I chuckled, "Right now I notice my drink is gone." I popped the top off a fresh lager.

"Try 'n be serious just for a second."

"What-cha want me to say?" I pondered momentarily, not a pertinent thought crossed my mind. "It's really, really dark."

"See … you got all this magnificence right here, and you're completely oblivious to it," the tranquility in his voice was captivating. "The gentle breeze cools the sweat on my brow. It carries the fragrance of the pine trees, and flowers. It brings a moment of happiness, and all you have to do is stop and notice it," he drew in a deep breath through his nose and paused before exhaling. "Listen to the creek …"

"Look, I don't know what you …"

"Shhh … Just pay attention."

The gentle murmur of the small stream became hypnotic. Soft chirps from crickets filled the air, an owl sounded off in a distant tree. "I hear it. The owl, the crickets," I was not impressed.

"No, man! You hear it, but you don't get it," Johnnie began pacing in front of me. "It's like a symphony. The mild whir of the leaves trembling in the wind and the rippling water sing in harmony while the night birds, the insects and the swaying grass accompany. It's all been given to us, you just need to be thankful and enjoy it."

"Hey, man. I hope you're not goin' all religious on me!"
"Look up. What do you see?"

I gave a disingenuous glance upward, "Sure. I see the stars … Oh, and they're beautiful." I swallowed another mouthful of amber brew.

"When I look up at the sky I see the glory of God. The marvelous wonders that only his hand could possibly create, and I am awestruck," a meteor flared across the darkness as if on queue.

I continued to gaze into the night, mesmerized by the pulsating lights littered across the sky, "Like I said, it's nice."

Another shooting star brightened the obsidian skyline. "Nice?" Johnnie challenged. "The splendor of our Lord is on full display. The grandeur of His majesty is all around us. You can look up and His brilliance is everywhere, but all you is space."
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This article has been read 1318 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Sue Stone
01/30/06
I love the pov you used in this piece...and it rings so true. But did you leave off a word in your last sentence, like "all you see is space"- But I love that contrast between those who let God in and those who haven't yet.
Shari Armstrong 
02/03/06
Perspective is everything. Nicely done.
Corinne Smelker 
02/03/06
Johnnie's manner of speaking seems to change from slang to almost poetic when he describes nature - to me that didn't ring true to his character (the way he had already been portrayed). The ending was perhaps a little too neat - how often does someone really change the way they see something so quickly? But your writing is good and down to earth, with a quirkiness that bodes well for you.
Jan Ackerson
02/03/06
Since this was written in the first person, I wanted it to end with a statement from your narrator. Not necessarily a "pat ending", but some comment from him.

Your writing skills are very obvious, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Nice job.
Garnet Miller 
02/03/06
Nice. It seems that the main character still doesn't "get it". It is good of the other character to still try to share God's goodness with his friend.

Pat Guy
02/04/06
You did a great job of setting the scene - I could visualize being on the mountain next to the campfire and that's a good thing to be able to do! I enjoyed the differences between the two men.
Linda Watson Owen
02/04/06
Ah, thank you for gifting me with that look into the sky! I relived moments of soaking in those celestial sights through your story. Blessings,
Maxx .
02/04/06
You have strong descriptive skills. The scene was very well set. I've been to those mountains... I've heard that creek... I've thrown rocks at that owl (uh ... never mind that last part!) Dialect is so hard to carry... your poetic way of writing slipped through into the dialect. Not a bad thing, though. It could also just as easily be that your character waxes poetic when speaking of God's creation. Anyway, I loved this. Keep at it. There are many wins in your future.
Brandi Roberts
02/12/06
Wow! Whether you're writing poetry or prose, you always have such BEAUTIFUL descriptions! I love your writing! Well done!