Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Home (01/09/06)
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TITLE: Memories of the garden | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tiffanie Chezum
01/16/06 -
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"Wha-cha lookin' at?" Ben walked up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder.
"I grew up here," Lizzie paused, still scanning the property. She could almost see herself as a child running and laughing about, her father chasing close behind her, "Me 'n Daddy had so much fun." A hint of a smile crept to the corners of her mouth.
The setting sun painted the walls in brilliant orange hues and cast tapering shadows across the yard. "Daddy could never get that shutter to hang straight," she said pointing toward the window near the corner of the house. "I broke it when I tried to sneak out. He was so mad at me, he grounded me for a week."
"I never pegged you as the trouble makin' type," Ben chuckled.
"He tried real hard to keep this place lookin' nice," Lizzie continued. "There were the prettiest roses by the porch, and we always had a little garden … Daddy used to help me plant flowers," tears began to roll down the young lady's face. She turned to her boyfriend and embraced him. "He always wanted flowers around. Said they reminded him of everything good in the world … He'd sometimes put one in my hair and tell me I was his special girl."
"You never told me 'bout your father before."
"We'd spend hours, sometimes havin' little picnics just to have some time out here. And in the spring, when the flowers were bloomin', little hummin' birds and butterflies were everywhere … It was beautiful. Daddy would tell me stories … fairytales. I was a princess and the garden was my country. It always made me happy. He promised he'd always be there … that he wouldn't let nothin' happen to me," her voice began to crack, she wiped her face with her hands. "One day I came home from school and he wasn't here. I waited … waited for a long time, but he didn't come!" Lizzie dropped to her knees and began sobbing, "Then the cops … came and … and told me he wouldn't … he wouldn't come home no more!"
Ben squatted beside his distraught girlfriend, "I'm sorry." He helped her to her feet and held her close, "We should go. It's startin' to get cold."
The two walked hand in hand down the darkening street. Lizzie glanced back with sorrow as they turned the corner and headed toward the outskirts of town. The chill of the evening crept through their coats before they reached the river. They looked back at the lights of the city, their breath steaming in the air. Without a word they gazed at each other, then crawled into the makeshift, cardboard tent under the bushes at the base of the bridge.
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Things I liked: Details, like the broken shutter and the flowers. The emotion of the "special girl" and the ending. Excellent.
Things I didn't like: Transition from girl looking at the garden to girl crying. A little rough, needed some more uneasiness or distress earlier on. The "telling" of the memories instead of "showing" them as a flashback.
Things missing: Hope. Almost a requirement at FW, some foreshodowing that God interacts with the character in some way. I know you are a subtle writer and I reread the boyfriend a few times looking to see if there is a shadowing of Christ there. I couldn't find it if it was.
Still, another touching, captivating read. I always appreciate your entries. Congrats!