The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/21/17
Thank you for your honest and open piece that you shared with us, I enjoyed it.

Blessings~
05/22/17
Thank you for a well documented account of your experience.

You seem to have all the intellectual ability to create a great story.

I would like to see some life injected with not so many passive sentences.

The first paragraph needs a twist to engage the reader. Why do I want to know about your experience in a new country? Why should I care about your struggles, your dealings with boredom, with a dull experience?

It needed a hook.

Hope to see some great stories in the future. God bless.
05/25/17
I was involved in the smoothness of your style. I kept reading for the simple pleasure the rhythm of your sentences was giving me. At some point my enjoyment ceased. I needed a conflict. I needed you to get in a fight at one of those parties. Maybe a mysterious woman, a heart killer could chase you, who knows? All I knew was that it entailed more to keep me entangled in your sensible words. When you decided that you WANTED to get married, there I finally found my INCITING INCIDENT. A conflict, a problem, a real challenge, a real WANT, but we were at the end of the 750 word count... Good job! Keep writing. Blessings.