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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Blowout (04/28/11)
My heart was thumping painfully as I ran across the garden, stumbled up the few steps to the house and pushed urgently against the heavy door that separated me from my mother, I tumbled into the kitchen, gasping for breath and my words came out all jumbled tumbling like tennis balls across the floor.

“Quick… Mama, Sophie... Wrong... Come…Mama.”

My mother was at my side in an instant. She heard the terror in my voice even if she could not decipher the meaning of my garbled sentence, placing her hands on my shoulders she bent to my level.

“What is it Jennie? Where is Sophie? What has happened?” She gave me a little shake with each question.

There were too many questions, I could not hold them all in my head, I just knew that I was way out of my depth. I was only 10 years old and I needed an adult to take charge and help me.

I couldn't speak but I grabbed her hand and tugged hard and urgently. Her hand was wet and slippery. A picture flashed into my mind of my mother squeezing the washing up liquid into the sink and as my sister and I had skipped past.

I loved my little sister Sophie with a deep devotion. I did not suffered from the jealousy that an older sibling sometimes experiences at the arrival of new family member, I never told my mother to put the baby back again, I delighted in being a little mommy, holding the warm towel when Sophie was bathed and then rocking her to sleep by singing cradle songs of my own composition.

But now Sophie was no longer a baby, she was 4 years old and something terrible was happening to her.

A screeching rasping sound led us towards Sophie long before we saw her; it was this frightening noise that had caused me to run for help so different from the usual wailing tired, hungry or in pain cries that I could read and understand. It was a horrible scary sound and I could not believe that it was coming from my little sister.

I clutched my mothers hand tightly frightened to go nearer but she hurried forward to Sophie who was was sitting upright with her back against the big tree. Sophie’s chest was moving up and down rapidly as if she was climbing a huge hill but otherwise she was very still.

Mother gathered her up quickly and carried her into the house. I trailed behind miserable and confused.

Doctor Watson, our family doctor, came to see Sophie. He had known me since I was a baby and he knew how much I cared for my little sister.

I was sitting dejectedly on the stairs when Dr Watson came out of the bedroom.

“It is ok Jennie, Sophie is fine now, she has something called Asthma and that strange sound she was making is called a wheeze.”

"Why does asthma make her wheeze Doctor?”

“Well when someone has asthma the little air passages sometimes get narrow and when they try to breathe in and out the air makes that sound. It‘s like when you blow out into a whistle, it's just is a squeaky sound like that”.

“So will it come back again?”

“Yes it might and if you hear the wheezing it is a warning just like a train whistle tells us the train is coming, the wheeze is a message that Sophie needs treatment.”

“What treatment will she need?”

“I have given her an inhaler that is the little tube and it has medicine in it that will help her”

I breathe a sigh of relief. I didn’t understand everything the doctor was saying i did understand that my little sister was ok and that there was nothing to be afraid about.

I went into the bedroom Sophie and breathing quietly and normally. The inhaler machine is on the side table.

My mum opened her arms to me.
“You did good sweetheart,” my mum whispered.

She smiles at me I feel safe and happy as she enfolds me in a hug.

"Its OK mama it is just Asthma mama; the doctor told me all about it”.
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This article has been read 830 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Helen Carr
05/06/11
This is a story that had me reading quickly to see what was wrong. You captured my attention at the start, and it was a great message to be aware of this awful, sometimes fatal, illness. Well done!
Ekua Bartlett-Mingle
05/06/11
Have had to deal with Asthma so I was righ there in your shoes. Good telling. Down to earth.
Virgil Youngblood 
05/07/11
Clever title and attention holding story. Well done.
Jody Day 
05/07/11
I loved "singing cradle songs of my own composition". I, too, found myself reading ahead to find out what was wrong. Nice job.
Mildred Sheldon
05/07/11
You have a talent for writing a story steeped in mystery and it grabs you from the very beginning to the last and final sentence. The title says it all, but to find the all you must read the story. A fantastic job in writing.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/08/11
I could feel the tension and conflict right from the start. You did a great job with the characters.

Be careful that you stay consistent with your tense. You would drift from present to past and back again. A little tiny thing - okay should be spelled out or both letters capitalized.

You did a great job of pulling me in right in the beginning and I found myself holding my breath. Nice job of storytelling
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/08/11
oops, I'm so sorry you did okay OK. My face is red. I think it was on my mind from another story. You do have a wonderful way with words.
Laury Hubrich 
05/08/11
You do have a way with words - very nice. This is a good story to share with kids about what asthma is. Very nice job!!

I would ask someone to read over your entries in the future to catch small errors. It is sometimes hard to catch your own. Or I will read mine aloud. That helps, too. You have a gift, for sure!:)