Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Expand (07/18/13)
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TITLE: My Wasted Life | Previous Challenge Entry
By Wesley Hesketh
07/24/13 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
with unrelenting sin.
I have left an ugly stain
everywhere I’ve been.
As I pray it's hollow
there is an echo in my word.
I cry out to our Father
but I don't think I'm heard.
I pray with good intention
long into the night.
I tell God of how I failed
nothing comes out right.
Father can you see me
in my restricted stand.
Breath in my your breath of life
help me be a righteous man.
Help me expand my knowledge
so I might not sin again.
Help me turn my life around
this losing life to win.
I'm glad that I remember
how God loves me so.
He forgives each thing I do
and then He lets them go.
Even when I'm trying
sin never seems to end.
Frightened God will turn away
I find He’s still my friend.
Now I am so grateful
God forgets my sin.
Standing here whiter than snow
cleansed of all I've been.
I'm no longer searching
no longer will I roam.
God has touched me gentle
with love He leads me home.
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I noticed some tiny things like breath instead of breathe gentle vs. gently. Though punctuation in a poem can be a stylistic approach, since you did use periods, I saw some lines that might be clearer with a comma or question mark.
You do a wonderful job of pulling the reader in. I could feel both the pain and then relief of the MC. This line really touched my heart: Standing here whiter than snow
cleansed of all I've been.
It's a powerful line and one I need to remind myself of when I allow the darkness to creep back in. Nicely done.
I don't know if you ever write free verse, but you might like to know that I'm teaching a free writing class on the FaithWriters forums. This week's lesson is on free verse, and I'm sure there will be one on rhymed and metered poetry one of these weeks. Feel free to stop by--I love to hear from poets of all kinds.