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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Surprised (09/06/07)
How Did I Land Here?
The shaft opened suddenly
A dream? Not really, a dream isn’t so real.
She could see everything all around
She was totally conscious of everything
But as she fell into the abyss, earth’s lights began to fade away
It got so dark she couldn’t see a hand right before her nose
Down, down, down, down…
The fall was fast and deliberate, getting hotter every minute
Then she felt a presence
Like the tentacles of an octopus
The presence wrapped itself around her body
Body? No, not body.
When she jumped out of her mouth
and started off on this horrendous descent,
she saw her body slump limply
as she made her way out of that thing that had been her home all her life.

The presence urged her on
She couldn’t resist
How do you resist a fall?

It got dark, darker, hot, hotter, hotter…
Then reddish flames appeared in the distance
Her eyes riveted on the inglenook like an iron particle towards a giant magnet
Then there was more presence, more, more, more
She was engulfed
Then, Puk! She dropped into the hole.

On every side were cries of indescribable agony
Men, women, children from every nationality, colour and language
Maggots were hard at work, gnawing away at her like starving parasites
For the first time since the ordeal began, she found her voice
Her heartrending shriek attracted no response
Nobody came to her rescue
Then she turned to look
And the reality dawned

The stench all round was unbearable
Rotting bodies clung on everyone as far as the eye could see
This was the place they might have talked about…
Those Jesus freaks!!!
Why didn’t anybody ever tell her that hell was for real?
Am I going to spend eternity here?”
Don’t kid me, please tell me this is only a bad dream…
Oh dear me, how, just how did I land here?
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Laury Hubrich 
09/14/07
This would have been a really good piece for fear. It's a good reminder for us to share our faith; others are counting on us. One part I didn't understand -- maybe a typo?
"When she jumped out of her mouth and started off on this horrendous descent,"

Very good. I do hope it's only a dream so your character has another chance at eternal life!
Laury
Jan Ackerson
09/16/07
Terrifying! Great imagery.

Wasn't sure about the word "Puk," it's not one I've seen before, and if you were going for onomatopoeia, it seems like the wrong sound.

You really nailed the fear and regret....good job.
JoAnne Potter
09/18/07
I really liked this idea and the feeling of motion you gave the reader. In something like this, you might consider showing more often than telling. Every time you used a passive verb, I felt a little cheated. And a writer should never use "indescribable." It's our job to describe.
David Mbue
01/20/13
Thanks for the comments.
On the matter of jumping out of the mouth, it was really not a typo.
At death, the spirit person leaves the body though the mouth. If you are present when someone dies you sometimes might hear what sounds like belching as the spirit exits via the mouth, leaving it agape.