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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Personal Peace (06/01/06)
Hidden In the Shadows

Come away my beloved to a place prepared
Away from the hassle and the noisy affairs
Hidden in the shadows, prepared with love
A place that was perfect for my turtle dove.

A place with a fountain overflowing with grace
Prepared for you, away from your haste.
Blanketed with rose petals and a fragrant breeze
Your burden, my beloved, I would carry with ease.

Your cares and triumphs, I would take to my heart
Because, my beloved, this peace was a work of art.
A peace that comforts and strengthens your soul
Quieting your fears, was that not your goal?

Have you found this place that was personal and true?
Peaceful, fragrant and made just for you.
Secure, restful and surrounded by a melody.
Where was this place, promising peace for the body?

Beloved, deep in your soul, I wait in this place.
For I am peace, contentment, a fountain of grace.
Come now, to this place that promises to bless
Because my beloved, I gave you my best.
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This article has been read 1292 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Gini Branch
06/12/06
Can't help much with poetry except to say I liked it. Felt sort of Song of Solomon-ish. Not sure about words like hassle in a piece that felt more classic. It distracted me, for whatever reason.
dub W
06/12/06
Poetry written from the heart is always meaningful. A prosody issue or two, and an adverb without need; but otherwise a solid piece of poetry.
Jan Ackerson
06/12/06
This is very lovely--I really likes the last stanza, with its "fountain of grace."

My only suggestion would be to even out the meter in a few places. It's a beautiful poem and well worth perfecting.
Brenda Craig
06/12/06
Sweet reminder" I too am no judge of poetry, even though I write it. Shows peace is a gift, it is a place, it is Him. I enjoyed it.
Tabiatha Tallent
06/12/06
I really liked your piece. Especially the last four lines. Keep writing!
Dr. Sharon Schuetz
06/12/06
This was lovely. The rythem needs a couple of tweaks but otherwise well done.
Tiffanie Chezum
06/12/06
This is very nice. I agree with Jan on smoothing the meter in a couple places, but you did a good job on this.
Anita Neuman
06/13/06
Dear Patricia,

In response to your "desperate" request, here are a few specifics.

Several of your rhymes are forced rhymes. That means they don't match 100%. (prepared & affairs, grace & haste, melody & body, bless & best). You can get away with forced rhymes occasionally, but it's distracting when there are so many in a short poem.

To check the meter or rhythm, try tapping your foot to a steady beat while you're reading the poem out loud. If you find yourself squishing in extra syllables per beat, then you need to tighten things up a bit. For example, "Your burden, my beloved, I would carry with ease" could be shortened to "Your burden, Beloved, I'd carry with ease".

One last thing that tripped me up a bit was the past-tense references to the place of peace. "A place that was perfect" and "this peace was a work of art". The past tense makes it sound like the peace is not as good now, in the present. I think if you changed it into present tense, it would carry a stronger message.

Having said all that, I have to agree with Jan. It's a beautiful piece that's worth perfecting. Please don't give up! YOU have a beautiful peace that shines through in all of your work, and it's to everyone's benefit that you keep writing. Bless you, sweet lady!
Amy Nicholson
06/14/06
(Clicked on the Link in Hints and here I am--smart move!) Beautiful poem. Gave me a sense of peace and comfort in the arms of the Savior. Thank you.
Amy N.
Linda Watson Owen
07/01/06
Patricia, this is a beautiful poem! You've really captured the essence and beauty of His Peace. Lovely!
Daniel Owino Ogweno
12/22/06
Patricia, this was good. I tend to be carried away by the wave of the beauty until the ripples of "errors" don't spoil the taste. I am a perfectionist but however much I try, errors still pop up here and there. No one is perfect. That is why God's grace is available for us.

As long as you communicate something that will touch someone's life, that would win in Christ's judgement.
Well done!