Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Love (04/27/06)
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TITLE: Love in Action | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jean Duerr
05/02/06 -
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His feelings of abandonment and rejection were worn on his sleeve and anyone in his path felt the repercussions. As I would dole out the appropriate discipline for his unruly actions, I was churning on the inside. Occasionally, I even found him repulsive to be around and would avoid him in order to protect myself from any verbal confrontation. I was convinced something must be wrong with me.
On a particularly bad day, I shared with a girlfriend; “if only I loved him” it would be easier for me. I could see her mulling the words over in her mind before she ultimately responded, “Did you ever stop to think that maybe God’s gift to you is not to feel, so it wouldn’t interfere with how you care for him? You would be emotionally drained and unable to fight for him, if you felt every road block and hindrance that came your way. When the Lord brought him into your family, He knew you would do everything you could for him. Look at what you have sacrificed for him, as well as, the professional help and resources you have made available to him. I turned to her and said, “So, I do love him, I just don’t feel it?” “Yes,” she said, “love is an action word and you are doing all you can to meet his needs and help him develop to his full potential. I felt a sense of relief and longed for the day when, and if, I would ever feel it.
Over a period of several years my son had multiple therapeutic hospitalizations, one time for giving me a black eye. He was in and out of residential treatment centers because of his aggressive behavior in school and at home. With the help of our senator, I was able to have funding approved for him to attend a private school for kids with special needs. That was really a blessing for our family. But, unfortunately, at the age of eighteen, he was removed from our home by the police for violent behavior resulting in physical abuse to my husband. When was I going to feel it?
With that last stay in the therapeutic hospital, the social worker recommended my son move into an adult group home with twenty-four supervision. It seemed like the perfect arrangement; we helped him set up his apartment and stocked his refrigerator with food. His contact with us became more and more infrequent. We were concerned for his safety and well-being because of his inability to adequately sort and process information that dramatically affected the way he saw and handled life’s encounters. After months of not hearing from him, we were relieved and happy when the rang phone and he was on the other end. "Just wanted to say hello."
As our conversation came to an end and we began saying our goodbyes I said, “Billy, I love you.” Though I’d said that to him many times before, this time I felt it.
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