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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Selfishness (02/14/05)
God, help! I am awash with anxiety again. I’ve been trying to work it all out and it’s wearing me down. I’m at the point where I just want to escape it all. Nothing new, it’s the same old pattern. Just as I think things are getting better, I end up here. It feels like that dream you have where everything seems normal, like everyday life, and then your realise your naked with nowhere to hide.

For me, it’s a recurring dream and it’s beginning to really bug me.

Do things ever change? Does joy exist in any other state than fleeting? I thought I had it this time, the magic formula, the truth I’ve been searching for. I applied it and it seemed to work. Waves of relief flooded over me. Finally, I can rest, I thought. Then, Puff! Up in smoke it all went. The magic formula disappeared and I’m left wondering why I can’t seem to make my life work. I’ve been thinking. This time it happened after I passionately shared with my friends my feelings about You. I was open, honest, brutally so. And now I am lost. I took a wrong turn somewhere. I started feeling exposed, like what I said was wrong and they could see right through me. Then the lies started pouring in. ‘See, I told you it’s too good to be true, you always make a mess of things’. ‘Who do you think you are anyway? You’re so proud.’ And now, I am frantically struggling, as the lies take hold, to claw my way out of the sinking sand.

And here I am, God. Clawing. Actually, if I admit it, I’m sunk and I’m needing you. The day seems too short and your presence seems like a fairytale. Yet, here I am. There’s no place else to go. I’m sick of the fancy lights and empty promises. I’m sick of trying to make my life work and of feeling sorry for myself when it doesn’t. So here I am. I’m beginning to realise there’s no one else who loves me like you do. Though sometimes you seem so far away, it’s really the lies in my heart that keep us apart. At times they seem like immovable objects. To me Lord, they are. But you are an unstoppable force, a jealous lover in pursuit of his bride. Will I run from love again? I’ve decided I’m through with that. I want to let the waves crash over my head and let the current take me where it will. Yes, I’m scared I will drown, but I’m sick of clinging onto my life.

And here I am, my love. Sinking into the pit of lies, my own attempts to get out, sunk. My analyses are impotent, my fascination with myself, boring. And here, I cry out for you to rescue me. Come, my love, let your light shine upon my face and I shall be saved. And you know what? I know you will come. You have come for me before. And you came for me that first time while I was still a sinner. Before I loved you with a love you gave to me. I know you shall come for me, my lover. I am the one you love. You would never let any harm come to me. And so, I will not fear. I wait for you my love.

I feel a strange relief flood over me. I wait, in peace, knowing you will come and I shall see your beautiful face again.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Crista Darr
02/21/05
I liked the progression from 'magic formula' to your true love Jesus. Our way doesn't work does it? You expressed your feelings very well.
donna robinson
02/23/05
What I liked about the character in this piece is her earthiness. She's real, she's been the gambit of trying to make life work on her own terms and finally finds it didn't and she doesn't yell in anger, but submits to humility. I think that is what I like most about her.