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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Enter (02/27/06)
January 5th, 10:21 PM

[Crunch, crunch]

Ahh, the ol'fork in the road. I dunno why they call it a "fork". Never made sense to me. Left'll take me back to town, but right goes out into wooded country. I ain't too cold yet, so I'll keep walking.

[Crunch, crunch]

Somebody was walkin' here not too long ago. Deep tracks in this snow. Maybe I'll finally get some company out here. Hmm...the tracks turn here. T'wards that house down the hill. Funny how the tracks aren't on the main path. It's awful steep to go that way.

[Crunch, crunch]

10:25 PM

Looks like I found the source of the tracks. Whoever he is, he's ain't going in that house through the front door. I don't like this one bit. I'm gonna go check it out.

[Crunch, crunch]

Arright, I'm at the house. Think, now. I need a phone- he went in through the east-side window, and I'm not sure where he is now. If he's a thief, I'd imagine he'll be goin' fer the master bedroom. Should be on that east side. I can't go in the west window- it's too visible, and I'm not exactly hard to find. Shoulda stopped eatin' that dang fruitcake. I'll stake my best bet on that basement.

[Crunch, crunch]

10:31 PM

Didn't lock their doors. Way too easy to get in. You'd think y'shouldn't have to lock your doors in this country hole-in-the-wall, but I'd say this oughta change their minds.
Here's the downstairs living room, and there's the study. I don't hear a peep upstairs. Man, I don't like this. I need backup, and of all the times to forget my gun! C'mon, where do they keep their phone? OK, in the study.

I need to get Jan on this.

"Dispatch."

"Jan, this is Bernard Ross. I need backup outside of town now."

"Where are you, Bern?"

"Take Route 19 out of town- you remember where I used to live?"

"Yeah, Bern."

"Well, there's somebody sneaking around in here, and we need to get this guy."

"Two cars on the way."

"Thanks...I've got a bad feeling about this, and I'm gonna need whoever you can get me."

"Will do." [Click].

10:33 PM

Now, to find that creep. Nothing in the hallway. It's clear down here, looks like I got lucky. Quiet now, up the steps...gently push open the doo- what in blue blazes, is my backup here already? There are lights from the driveway. No red and blue lights. Somebody is coming back home.

Bad timing.

I'm taking the hall closet, two doors down. Alright, quiet now, Bern. You've got one chance- draw the creep out, and take him. The front door just opened- close the door! Not all the wa-

SLAM!


Dang it, Bern, you idiot. Open the door a little bit so you can see.


"Who's there?"


A young voice, definitely a girl.


"Mom?"


She's turning the corner.


"Hello?"


Sarah Charmaine.


Time t'end this, he's comin'.


NOW!


"Umph!"


A scream. She's running downstairs.


"Drop yer weapon! Drop yer weapon!! Dang it, drop it!"

"OK, OK."

Thank goodness.

"What were you doing, creep?"

Silence.

"What were you going to do?!"

"Heh...you don't know?"

"You think I'm kidding?"

"Whatever I wanted to...she was mine."


---------------------------

10:42 PM

Sirens. Lights. Here's my backup, just in time.

"Hands on your head, face down. Cuff him and take him away, guys."

The girl is in here now, and she looks like she's about to lose it. She's opening and closing her mouth, but no words are coming.

"Are you OK, Sarah?"

"No" and she begins to sob, "I-I'm n-not OK. I'm not OK"

I just hold her.

"It's all right- you're safe now."

Tears.

"B-bernard, what did that guy want?"

I sigh.

"Sarah, look at me and listen very carefully. That man was here for you-"

She's breaking down again, and I hold her close, tighter than before. Her head is buried in my chest.

"Sarah, look at me. Look at me. I've known you since you were born, and I want to you to know something. You have som'thing precious, som'thing so beautiful you may not know you even have it. Look at me, Sarah- you are beautiful, and no man or power can take the honor of your beauty away from you. Ever."

There, she's not shaking in my arms anymore. The last thing that I hear before the house becomes quiet again is, "You have the right to remain silent..."



10:49 PM
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This article has been read 917 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Lynda Schultz 
03/07/06
I got a little lost in who was saying and doing what around about the middle, but this has so much imagination and feeling to it. Good stuff.
Andre Kingston
03/10/06
A little description when the bad guy comes down the stairs would be good. Tell us his eyes, the set of his mouth or the general appearance. If you give the bad guy a little 'fleshing' out with comments like "he sneered", it would help your reader to keep track of who is talking.

I like that you did this from the cop's point of view. It was neat and well done. I also like the details of (crunch, crunch) and the figuring out which entry to try.

Well done over all, thank you.
Caitlynn Lowe
03/10/06
Overall I thought it was very well done. :)
Jan Ackerson
03/10/06
The problem with stream-of-consciousness writing is the the reader doesn't "see" what the narrator is seeing, so you have to help us out some. I was a bit confused for most of this story...but it shows great imagination and potential.