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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CHECKING IN OR OUT (hotel/motel on vacation) (08/27/15)
We finally left the quaint old hotel
Its façade's inviting and promising,
shrouded by tall trees; myriad cactuses
it was picturesque ; our senses pampered

water cascading and cliff-side clashing,
perennial pines, in howling strong winds,swayed
cheery birds of diverse colours chirping,
to go trekking and jungle walk, we planned

Alas, we needed to check out in haste
my younger daughter’s bitten on her face
her arms and legs by mosquitoes at sleep
we had prayed she won’t get dengue fever

“ Look at her face and legs!” we protested
Sheepishly ,my young daughter she surveyed
surprised but thought it normal, suggested
another room; but we checked out instead

" We give you the big room!” a man replied
In gentle tone, I answered , “ There are gaps
at the balcony door and the windows
Can you fix them? Can your doctor treat her?
His look seemed evasive I noticed

We finally checked in a fine hotel,
where generous breakfast was served real well
A bigger world, we got to meet people
of all walks of life, our life they enriched

Forgetting the past,all had fun boating
we trekked the hills, and savoured local food
galore; we sipped tea by the old town clock
We checked out for a better place,we thought

The ways He leads amazes me once more
He does not always shield us from our sores
But will surely lead us like a shepherd
From broken room to cosy; how blessed

Mosquitos' bites; a restless night:the flight
He's the Door of my hope and light
In Christ alone I will find my delight
He's my life, my lamp, and my constant guide
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Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
09/03/15
Lovely message within this poem.

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/09/15
This is a cute take on the topic. You did a nice job of putting it in a poem. While poetry is not my niche, I did stumble over some lines. It could be just me, but you may want to ask someone else to read it aloud and see if they stumble. If they do, you may want to tweak that line. I think your take on the topic is unique. I can totally relate having red hair and fair skin, not only do I get sunburned in minutes, but for some reason, mosquitoes will pass over my husband and feast on me. This may be because poetry isn't my favorite genre, but I think this would have been great as a story. I'd love more details about where the hotel was, how the daughter reacted, and even the size of the mosquitoes. I hear in some places they can be almost as big as a small car. 😉
Your ending was divine. It left me with a wonderful feel good feeling. It's a great message too. Nice job.
Jan Ackerson
09/09/15
I find this a refreshing blend between structured verse and free verse. For the most part, this is without rhyme or meter, but then you surprise us occasionally with a lovely rhyme. Your word choices, especially in the first two stanzas, were exquisite.

I found a few cases where your punctuation was distracting--sometimes you needed a space but there wasn't one (line 28), and sometimes you had an extra space (lines 4 and 18). You want to do those correctly, because those errors cause a bit of a hiccup with your readers.

Other than that tiny criticism, I found this poem very pleasant to read. It did a very good job of capturing the place and time of your family's outing. Good job!
Judy Sauer 
09/09/15
You painted a beautiful picture of the first hotel. Made me want to go there...until the mosquitos.

I highly recommend you click Preview of your article before submitting. You will be able to catch the spacing issues with commas. This will let you fix grammar issues.

Nice job on the poem. I enjoyed it.
Loni Bowden-Horn 
09/10/15
Congratulations Caleb on your third place win in beginner category. I really liked the descriptive words you used. I am not astute when it comes to meter but there is a link on Faith writers about meter and poetry that I'll try to find for you.
Bonnie Bowden 
09/11/15
Congratulations on your 3rd place in the beginner's category, Caleb.

I think poetry really suits your writing style. Beautiful imagery in stanzas one and two.

In stanza five, I think the first line should be in the past tense:

"We [give] gave you the big room!"

I think you have a real talent for writing, but I've sometimes wondered from the way you construct some of your sentences if English is your second language.

I am currently taking a free class through EDx on English Grammar (through Queensland); it has been helpful for me to brush up on certain grammar rules.

I've really seen growth in your writing over the past few weeks and hope you continue to write.