Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Right and Left (07/31/14)
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TITLE: Angels and Baristas | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jennifer Liang
08/06/14 -
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“Is there a reason Laura?” a concerned Brent asked dipping his bread stick in the marinara sauce.
“Your proposal didn’t leave me room to refuse but that is exactly what I wanted to do. In fact, I was working up the courage to break-up when you threw your surprise in. Another few days and we wouldn’t have been a couple anymore.”
“I see. “
“No, I don’t think you ‘see’.” Trying to stay calm Laura leaned in and whispered, “Our relationship has damaged my relationship with God and I am choosing now to go back to my first love.” Gathering momentum Laura pleaded “Please don’t call me, text me or e-mail me ever again. I don’t want to hear from you.” With that Laura stood up from the table, adjusted her purse strap and left the restaurant not even bothering to look back at Brent’s stunned expression.
Several hours later, after taking care of business, Laura sprinted into the mall and made a beeline for the communication kiosk in the middle of the mall. Reaching her destination moments before closing she managed to gasp out her intentions for changing her phone number. “I need to do this now,“ she said with a sense of urgency.
“I’m sorry ma’am but you are just going to have to come back tomorrow morning. We don’t have time to change a number tonight.”
“You don’t understand. I am leaving town in a few hours and I can’t be traveling with the same number,” a desperate Laura pleaded.
“There is nothing we can do. Sorry.”
With nothing else to do and nowhere to go Laura picked up her bags and dragged herself to the bus stop. Scoping out the area she spotted a café with a friendly window display and decided to pass the time there where at least she could cool down from the intense July heat. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she had not eaten since her lunch break earlier. Having no money for anything other than her bus ticket and something to drink she settled down into the cracked blue vinyl seat and ordered an iced tea.
The urge to sob came upon her so suddenly Laura gasped for air and let the tears flow. The years of pain melted away as the healing touch of an angel soothed her hurting soul. Fifteen minutes later Laura finally looked up and realized it was an older woman who was comforting her.
“Just let it flow honey, let it flow,” the kind woman soothed.
It was in that cradled position Laura found herself at morning’s light. Extracting herself carefully from the stranger’s sleeping embrace proved to be more difficult than imagined. Just when she thought she couldn’t handle it anymore the chirping of her cell phone awakened the now smiling woman. Figuring it was Brent wanting her to reconsider she let it go to voice mail. At least he wouldn’t find her at her apartment or her job.
“Good morning sugar. My name is Angel and I own this establishment. What’s yours and why the tears?” Angel asked.
“I’m Laura.” Before she could stop herself, over eggs and toast, Laura poured out her story. Not revealing too many details she told Angel about her dream three nights before and her visit from an angelic being with a warning. The crossroads in her life could take her two different directions. Right would bring her closer to knowing her Savior better and his plans for her life. Left was her current path with Brent the manipulator and abuser. Wrestling all night with the decision led her to break up with Brent the day before and try to leave town after quitting her job.
Angel listened sympathetically until Laura was finished. “It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. “ Inspired, Angel asked, “Why don’t you come home with me and rest for a few days? I will take care of you.”
“You are too kind. How can I ever repay you?” Laura yawned.
“Well, I am always on the lookout for baristas with great service skills. Does that sound like something you could do?” Angel asked her crystal blue eyes focused on Laura.
“I was the best barista at my shop,” Laura answered proudly.
“Perfect. Your new life down the right path starts now.”
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Nicely done!
God bless~
I might add a few points for future writing.
I had to laugh at this sentence. “Is there a reason Laura?” a concerned Brent asked dipping his bread stick in the marinara sauce.
I could not envision a concerned Brent. If I just asked someone to marry me and she refused, I couldn't continue eating. I chuckled when you said he dipped his bread stick in the marinara sauce. Didn't look to be so concerned to me!
I was confused in several places. I think some transitional sentences would help guide this story along a little more smoothly and give more clarity.
Just my opinion. Hope this helps.
Some missing commas, particularly for setting off names in address.
"I'm sorry, Brent."
"Good morning, sugar."
Good story... keep writing.
I did get confused by Brent's being concerned, but I think it really works well here because it made me wonder why he wasn't more disturbed. Then, when I found out what he was, it all made sense! And it rounds out his character.
If I may, I might also suggest more commas to avoid sentence confusion. "Emphasizing her point, Laura took his ring off...." "Reaching her destination moments before closing, she managed...." A brief pause in a sentence lets the reader breathe without losing the momentum of the action.
At any rate, I enjoyed your story. It kept on track, moving forward, and I thought it had a lot of texture without being slow. Applause!
We will need the second chapter of this story to see if this was a good choice.
The story was easy to read and everything seemed to fit together. I just don't know about her last choice unless she was feeling "lead by the Holy Spirit" to make the choice she did.