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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: First World Problem (04/17/14)
Steve first spotted her on a park bench, holding a small, poofy lapdog. She had big blue eyes and a figure that, well ... couldn’t be beat. He meandered over, his heart pounding. Sucking in his breath, he stuttered, “H-hi, lovely day, isn’t it?” What a dumb thing to say, he thought, but she replied, “Yes, it’s nice to see the sun shining.” Okay, where do I go next? Tentatively, he asked, “Are you from around here?” Dumb, dumb, he sounded too forward. Then in spite of himself, he added, “I come here nearly everyday, and I haven’t seen you before.” Now that was way too forward, but to his surprise, she said, “We just moved here last week.” He noticed she said “we”; she must be married. He figured he might as well go for broke, so he said, “Did you or your husband get a work transfer here?” “Oh no”, she laughed, “I’m not married. I moved here with my dog and three cats to take care of my mom; she’s sick.” Relieved, he replied, “That’s great! I mean, it’s great you moved here, not great your mom’s sick. I hope she’s not terribly sick.” Yikes, where was this going? “No, not too sick. She just had surgery and needs a little help getting around, fixing meals, and such. She came here a year ago with my step-dad to retire, but then he ran off with the widow next door. Mom got so upset when he told her, she chased him with a baseball bat and fell, breaking her tailbone. I came to help her recover from her broken heart as well as her smashed tush.” This was getting weird, maybe a little too weird, but then he looked into those big blues and melted, so he asked her her name. “Jamie, she replied, “what’s your’s?” “Steve.” ”Nice to meet you, Steve. I hope to see you here again sometime.” With that, she grabbed her dog leash and started to leave the park with poofy.

Was this a dream? This beautiful woman moved here to assist her broken hearted, broken tushed, mom? Was she putting him on? Oh, who cares, he wanted to know more, so he pushed on. “Do you live near here?” “Just down the street. I’m staying with mom for the time being, but as soon as she gets better, I’ll look for a job. Then I’ll get a place of my own. Do you know of any apartments around this area that will rent to someone with four pets, actually five. I have a parakeet too.” This was some woman!

Steve pondered the situation. Only in the good old U.S. of A could this happen. In third world countries people worried about clean water, enough food, and extreme poverty. He had just met an animal loving woman, with a disabled mom, in this first world country. She also wasn’t working and didn’t seem bothered by it. Her retired step-dad had run off with their widowed neighbor? And her mom had taken after him with a baseball bat? Was this a violent family? Why was he so attracted to this woman? In some countries, people had carefully arranged marriages and here he was chasing a woman he had just met, and a strange one at that. Only in America!

The next day she was back, with poofy on a leash. “How’s your mom?” He didn’t think it polite to inquire about her mother’s injured tush. “Okay”, she said. “My step-dad called last night and begged her to take him back. Seems the widow wasn’t such a prize after all. Mom told him to get lost, then she broke down and sobbed”. “Is she taking him back?” “Yes”, replied Jamie. “so I’ll be looking for a job and an apartment. Any ideas?” “Actually”, said Steve, “I own a duplex. The downstairs tenants are moving out next week. I was planning on releasing the apartment. Are you interested?” He must be crazy. She had no job, five pets, her mother was dangerous and her step-dad a gigolo. But those big blues kept flashing, so he said, “Will you marry me?” He could rent to someone else. She looked at him in surprise, but answered, “Yes!”

A first world problem, jumping into things like this, but he didn’t care. It was love at first sight. “Maybe we could honeymoon in Cuba.”
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Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
04/24/14
Awww...lovely and so well written. I enjoyed this immensely. Good job with this piece.

God bless~
Chris Goglin
04/26/14
I liked your gentle humor used throughout your piece. It would be easier to read if you broke up the dialog into small paragraphs. You can do this easily by pressing the enter key when you copy and paste your selection. Check your dialog punctuation, there were a few sentences where the period or comma was after the quotation sign. Looking forward to seeing more!
Glynis Becker
04/27/14
Good story, good dialogue and my only red ink is the same as given above: when you have a new speaker, it is generally a good time to change paragraphs. This gives the reader a better clue who is speaking and gives the eye a place to rest.

Keep up the great work!
Larry Whittington
04/28/14
I don't read other comments until I have read and made my own comments so these may have already been noted.

Each time a character speaks should be in a new paragraph so divide the conversations with more paragraphs.

A beginning like this could go anywhere from a short story to a full blown novel - maybe a mystery. Just add more descriptive words and action words to show emotions.

You have something to build on.