Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Expert (09/05/13)
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TITLE: Never Let a Space Alien Fix Your Car | Previous Challenge Entry
By Steven Dexheimer
09/11/13 -
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Earl turned the ignition key again. The truck engine made a few feeble whirring sounds, then shuttered to a halt. With an exasperated sigh, Earl got out and poked his head under the raised hood once more. His eyes scanned the inert engine, looking for anything out of place or broken, but whatever was wrong with it seemed to be beyond his knowledge to fix. He straightened and glanced at the rundown little gas station he had pulled into ten minutes before. The sign, hung crookedly on the door, said “We’re Closed.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked it. It informed Earl that he was still out of service range. Shoving the phone back into his pocket, the luckless man considered his options. It was then that he heard a loud rustling coming from the tangle of trees across the road. From the amount of noise being made, Earl assumed that it was a deer trying to make its way out of the woods. Needless to say, he was surprised when a man burst from the tree line instead. This event wouldn’t have been overly strange to him except for the fact that the man was wearing a business suit…and his hair was green. Earl stared as the man casually brushed himself off, spotted him, smiled, and then walked across the road to join him.
“Hello,” said the stranger cheerily. “How are you today?”
“Hey,” said Earl, a little dubiously. “I’m…fine.”
“That is good to hear.”
“Uh-huh.” Earl shifted nervously.
“I was wondering,” continued the man, “if you might be able to drive me to the nearest town in your vehicle.”
“Ah no, I’m afraid I can’t. My, uh, vehicle broke down.” Earl gestured to the open hood. The strange man nodded.
“I see, and you are unable to make the necessary repairs?”
“Yeah, that’s about the size of it. I could sure use an expert right about now.”
~
Knottog’s face brightened. What an extraordinary coincidence! To his knowledge, no one from his former planet had ever made contact with Earth before. Yet here he was with an Earthling who had a specific need for a Pertian.
“You are in luck, sir, for I am one.” The man with the truck let out a sigh of relief.
“You’re an expert? Oh, thank goodness! Could you have a look at my engine? If you can fix it, I’ll be happy to drive you anywhere.” Knottog nodded and made his way over to the engine. He studied the machinery and frowned slightly. He knew his way around a space ship’s engine, but this looked nothing like it. Meanwhile the man had returned to the driver’s seat.
“Tell me when to turn the key!” He called out. Knottog began to fiddle with the engine; disconnecting a wire here, rerouting a belt there, and occasionally removing pieces that didn’t seem like they belonged. Finally, Knottog was satisfied. He peered around the hood and gave a wave to the man, who turned the key.
The engine exploded. When the smoke cleared, Knottog was still standing in front of the engine, thoroughly singed, and with a look of mild surprise on his blackened face.
“I didn’t expect that to happen,” he said, calmly putting out the fire that was consuming his tie.
“What did you do?!” The man with the truck was furious. He stalked over to inspect what was left of his engine. “You idiot!” He bellowed. “I thought you said you were an expert!”
“I am an Ex-Pert,” said Knottog, rather indignantly.
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It flowed smoothly but you might want to separate some of the paragraphs with a blank space.
The use of the word "expert" was perfect.
Do you have any more of these up your pencil? (computer)
I did stumble over the part in the beginning where you mention he thought. If you had put his thoughts in italics that might have helped me. I reread that part several times and it slowed the pacing. It could just be that I should be sleeping not reading. Also be careful of POV shifts. The reader can only know what the MC knows, sees, or thinks, so when you say something like shifted nervously that is a shift. Instead describe the actions like he shifted from foot to foot while licking his lips. By using the symbol ~ that is like a new chapter so it covers the shift of telling about the driver breaking down so you either needed another ~ or you could have just had the earthling be the new MC. It's really a complicated idea and you actually handled it quite well. It's a concept I still need to be aware of.
I think you did a great job of building suspense and created some vivid mental pictures. You nailed the topic in a fresh and fun way. You also had a great ending, which can be difficult to do in limited words. Overall, I think you did a great job with this piece.