Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: PICNIC - deadline 7-12-12 @ 9:59 AM NY Time (07/05/12)
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TITLE: The First Day of Summer | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tiara Huffman
07/12/12 -
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“I can’t believe that none of your sisters came.” Luke said to my left.
“I can.” I said turning to look at him. “Since our mom died, they have been completely different people.” I turned back to the sun. It had been nearly a year since our mother died, and neither one of us had won the battle over who would get moms floral shop. We were all divided, wanting it for our own selfish reasons. When mom clearly stated she wanted us all to run the shop when she was gone. But I thought that even if we were fighting we could set it aside for this day. You see, it was tradition in my family that on the first day of each season we would come together and hold a celebration. And for Summer we had a picnic every year. Why you might ask? My nut of a mother named us after the seasons. This was my day, the first day of Summer and years of tradition were just being chucked aside while we fought over the shop like teenagers. I was technically the only “teenager” and I was acting the most adult. Angry I turned to Luke.
“You know, Autumn isn’t even speaking to Winter?” Luke leaned back in surprise.
“What? Those two are joined at the hip.”
“I know. During an arguments Winter said something about her dad Robert being back, claiming that there were things about our mother we didn’t know, making excuses for running out on them. Autumn told her, just be thankful your father wants to be around, mine never has. Winter said if you’re so jealous of Robert you can have him, he’s not my father he lost that title when he left.” Fiddling with my fingers I continued. “Autumn feels unwanted by her biological father and Robert; because he gave more attention to his daughters than her. Since he’s been back he hasn’t said more than two words to her. She thinks Winter is being selfish by not talking to him about what happened between him and our mother.” I popped a grape into my mouth. “Autumn would loved to get the chance to talk to her dad, and Winter is just throwing it away.” I faced him tears in my eye. “While they are going on about mom and their dads, they don’t realize that, I am now an orphan I would give anything to have one minute more with either of my parents.”
Luke sat up and took me in his arms.
“Shh, Summer losing a parent is hard, everyone deals with loss differently. Your sisters need time to process it, in time they will soon see. I know you miss them. I couldn’t imagine being in your position. It isn’t easy, what you are all going through, but it will get better.” Silent tears wet my cheek as I clung to him. He lifted my face to meet his with a soft kiss. “It will baby, I promise. God has a plan” I nodded. “C’mon; let’s go, if they aren’t here then I don’t want to be either.” I said standing and holding a hand out to him. We gathered up the picnic and headed towards the car. I stopped; Autumn stood there just a few feet ahead of us.
“Winter? Spring?” I called out to her.
“Don’t know I wasn’t going to miss our yearly summer picnic though.” We embraced and a car pulled up.
“Ahhh Summer! I completely forgot! Sorry I am late.” Spring said rushing at us taking us both in a hug.
“Um hi?” I said to the mystery man that arrived with Spring.
“Oh sorry, this is Luke, Autumn and Summer, everyone; Kameron. We were out, and I remembered, can he stay?” she said all nonchalant.
“Yeah, I would like to get to know Kameron.”
“As would I.” Autumn chimed in.
“Hey I’d like to get to know you too. I have heard a lot about you.” Said Kameron.
“Funny, she hasn’t mentioned you.” Autumn said.
“Is Winter coming?” I asked.
“Nope. She’s out with dad.” Spring said and I saw Autumn’s eyes light up. Luke was right, if Winter was out with her dad, and Autumn and Spring were here then maybe things will get better. God would heal us back together in time. And Tradition would still carry on.
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Be careful to have a good proofreader check for little errors like when Mom is used as a name to capitalize it and to start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks. Double-spacing between them will help give the reader more white space too.
I like how you ended it with some resolution but not a complete one. That leaves the reader hungering for more and able to match the story to their own life. I think you covered the topic in a fun yet fresh way too. Good job.
It was not an easy read but you show great promise as a writer.
I couldn't help but notice all the "I's" in the first paragraph, particularly the first word of many sentences. Try mixing up your opening words with verbs and other words. Instead of "I faced heavenward as I soaked up the sun with my eyes closed", consider "With my face heavenward, I soaked up the sun . . ." OR "Soaking up the sun with my face heavenward . . . "
I too, had a bit of a hard time following the story, I think largely due to the grammatical errors and the very large paragraphs. You do need spaces between dialogue. You should do a google search on formatting dialogue.
By the way, I was born the first day of Summer. My middle name is Dawn (for beginning), but was almost Summer. ;)
I like your story idea of a broken family seeking healing. An original take on the topic. Nice job.
God bless~