The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/09/08
Oooh, we must be careful what we wish for, for sure. Very good story. Please proofread your work or get a challenge buddy to do it for you. It's so hard to catch our own mistakes. Keep on writing!
Laury
Nice insightful writing. :)
A very nice, thought provoking story.
A few typos, like

"Mary knew away from the"

I think there's a word missing there. I felt so sad for Jessica, after everything that happened and to see the contrast with Mary's life and Dave. It wa so different.
You did well with showing it and how to be careful what we wish for, the last line is a keeper! Nice writing! ^_^
02/13/08
Yikes! People should be careful what they say in restroom stalls!

The middle section of this, with all the dialogue, was exceptionally well-written. Your dialogue was realistic and compelling. The last paragraph was a bit too much of "telling"--more like a summary.

You're a writer of great promise!
The idea for the story was really a good one! I liked the dialogue very much as it added some "show" to the story.the first part seemd more like "telling" and you can add some descriptions to help that part bring the reader more images to see. Definite talent here! Don't give up!
Engaging story, so happy your MC grew up and into her own. Keep writing!
02/14/08
The only thing that rubs me wrong on this type of story is that we try and cover soo much ground in 750 words ... of course, I often spend 750 words just having the protag yawn or something, so I may be the other extreme. Anyway, I liked the story line but would want more depth and intimacy.
I really felt for Jessica. How aweful to overhear those two women, and what a contrast to your MC. A couple of minor typos, but all in all an excellent story.