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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Hope (05/04/06)
My boots crunched the gravel on the road as my eyes stayed focused three feet in front of me. My focus on clearing the path that my buddies I trained with would be taking 5 feet behind me. I knew their lives were in my hands, and I stayed focused for any thing that looked like it didn’t belong along this road that I was walking. – Son

My knees creaked against the hard wood floor as I knelt to pray for him, at only 21 years old he was there in the thick of it, in a place to restore hope to those that had none just a few years back and all the hopes I had for him none included going to war and fighting in a country thousands of miles away, how and when did this happen, I hoped and I questioned, as I prayed that he be safe. – Dad

Sweat trickled down my neck as I felt my shirt get wet, I looked forward and then stopped, seeing it, as I slowed so did the rest of the division behind me for they knew I found something, a wire one that may be tossed out a window or placed there to stop us in our tracks. – Son

Tears ran down my cheek as I prayed for him, God keep him safe, protect him from whatever is over there and bring him back to me, I know God that you have been where I have been and have gone through losing a son, my hope and prayer is that I do not go through losing him but that I may see him again Lord, please protect him. – Dad

Turning I called my for the expert to come and take a look, by my side came Dan, someone I had trained with and I knew he would be able to tell if this was a trap or not, I relied on my friend as we knelt down side by side and inspected the tiny wire that could be attached to something that could destroy us all. – Son

I felt my wife holding my shoulder as I wiped a tear away off my cheek and she knelt beside me in prayer as we held each other and prayed for our son side by side to be safe and that we prayed and hoped that we would talk to him and see him again and have him come home safe. – Dad

Dan disconnected the wire and we made it to our destination this time without incident, settling in and setting up camp, retiring in my tent with my laptop signing on I saw that dad was online, and I began to type.

Soldier in Iraq: “ Hey dad,”

Dad in USA : “ Hey son, we prayed for you today, cant wait till your home we hope it to be soon.”

Soldier in Iraq: “ I love you too dad, hope its real soon, we are all hoping it to be very soon.”
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Ruth Neilson
05/13/06
This is heart touching for me, as a person whose father served time in the military. However, it is confusing as you swapped point of views. You can use dividing lines that will let the reader know that you are changing view points. Also, the ending...it seems a little unrealistic. Can’t really explain why, but it just feels unrealistic to me.

Keep writing though.
Helen Paynter
05/13/06
I think you made the alternating POVs clear enough. I like the parallel way yo told he story - i worked for me. Watch your punctuation, though, which let it down a little. There's real talent here.
Rita Garcia
05/14/06
I like the way your switched between POV. A powerful message. Good job.
Dr. Sharon Schuetz
05/15/06
I liked the way you switched, but be careful of punctuation. Without sentence breaks your sentences run together and it makes it harder to read.