The Official Writing Challenge
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Heartbreaking account of this poor little girl and her hero, you. Good job.

Check your preview before submitting and make sure you space between paragraphs for a cleaner, easier to read look.

A very emotional story.

The longer paragraphs could be divided into shorter paragraphs. Sometimes short paragraphs with even one strong sentence is very effective.
As a Level 1 writer, you might not be aware of the free writing lessons available on the FaithWriters forums. This week’s lesson is on writing devotionals, and next week will cover writing on topic for the weekly challenge. Look for it at, or if you’re on Facebook, you can “like” Faithwriters Writing Lessons. I’d love to have your input into the conversation there!
Praise the Lord you were there to help this young lady, and how wonderful that you were always pleasant and kind to her. Good for you!

As for the outcome, perhaps the Lord took her home early because he didn't want her to hurt any longer, and she finally found peace in His arms.

I appreciate you sharing this with us...thank you, and when you see her again in eternity, I'm sure she'll remember you.

God bless~
This story moved me. Thank you for sharing.
This is so sad....I guess she died of a broken heart.
This is a tragic story, told in an authentic, touching voice.

I have a hard time finding the topic of "day's end" here. If you're new to the challenge, you may not realize that the topic is one of the judges' criteria for rating each entry.

You're a writer of considerable potential, and I look forward to reading more of your entries as you learn the ins and outs of the weekly challenge. If future entries are as touching as this one, we'll be quite blessed.
I'm so glad you submitted this entry. Keep on writing and growing with us! I'll be watching for your next entry.
I truly enjoyed the story. I too had a similar experience with a girl in elementary school, many years ago. I wasn't quite the hero though. God calls us to stand for the downtrodden. Perhaps, a few words to tie the dance and the girl running home to the topic, "Day's End," would have helped. Thanks for sharing.