The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I loved this! It was positively hilarious, and what a creative take on the topic! This ought to win something for sure. I'll be very disappointed if it doesn't. A sure winner in my book!
Absolutely wonderful! Worthy of an EC ribbon, methinks.
Absolutely wonderful! Worthy of an EC ribbon, methinks.
That was very "cute" read.

It flowed smoothly but you might want to separate some of the paragraphs with a blank space.

The use of the word "expert" was perfect.

Do you have any more of these up your pencil? (computer)
This is adorable. I was eager to get to the punch line and you didn't disappoint. You gave me a great chuckle.Your characters were a delight and well developed.

I did stumble over the part in the beginning where you mention he thought. If you had put his thoughts in italics that might have helped me. I reread that part several times and it slowed the pacing. It could just be that I should be sleeping not reading. Also be careful of POV shifts. The reader can only know what the MC knows, sees, or thinks, so when you say something like shifted nervously that is a shift. Instead describe the actions like he shifted from foot to foot while licking his lips. By using the symbol ~ that is like a new chapter so it covers the shift of telling about the driver breaking down so you either needed another ~ or you could have just had the earthling be the new MC. It's really a complicated idea and you actually handled it quite well. It's a concept I still need to be aware of.

I think you did a great job of building suspense and created some vivid mental pictures. You nailed the topic in a fresh and fun way. You also had a great ending, which can be difficult to do in limited words. Overall, I think you did a great job with this piece.
Hurray, I see you nailed 1st place! I knew this was a winner. (Now you're no longer a beginner). Congratulations.
During the break in the Weekly Challenge schedule, I’d like to invite you to the FaithWriters forums, where I’m holding a weekly free “class” in various writing strategies. Participation is strictly voluntary, but I give free and timely feedback on all contributions. I’d love to have you drop by!
Clever take on the topic. I enjoyed your story and hope to see more from you. Congratulations on your first place ribbon!
Thanks everyone for the kind comments and helpful critiques! I'm glad you found my story enjoyable reading : )