The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I think this is a delightful essay. It's a special memory for you and your family and I'm glad it is written down so you can enjoy it for many years.

One way to help draw the reader in is to do more showing and less telling. This is a concept that every writer deals with. You use some passive sentences and just by switching it around a bit you can turn them into active ones. For example this: it was decided to make more the next day.
could become: We decided to make more the next day. If you want to take it even further you could add things like While we made the ice cream my husband licked his lips and I thought I even detected a tiny bit of drool dripping down his chin.
These little details are ways to do the showing even with nonfiction stories.

This was a delightful journey that you took me on. I'd love to see the wildlife you described. You covered the topic by telling a story that was important to you and the ending had a nice message that we all need to remember from time to time. Good job.
As a lover of the national and state parks here in Arizona (and the fact that I've never been to Yellowstone) made this fascinating for me to read. I loved that this was a family vacation for so many of your family together. You made me want to go see this spectacular park.
Congratulations for ranking 6th in level one!