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Topic: Flowers (10/03/05)
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TITLE: Shades of Gray | Previous Challenge Entry
By Lisa Hunt
10/05/05 -
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I wish I could say that every time I look through the window of my heart I see beauty, color, and new life. But alas I don’t, at least not today. The world of my heart exists today in shades of gray like a dreary winter day with slush covered roads and dirty, trampled snow. The layers of fear, doubt and sin form over my heart like thick ice on a deserted pond and I am trapped beneath it all flailing for my next breath. There is no life in this frozen place, no color, no joy, and no freedom.
I had jumped into what appeared to be inviting waters and for a while I enjoyed the swim but over time I swam deeper, not heeding that still, small voice that beckoned me to return to the shore. The deep was exciting and addicting. The moment came when I ran out of breath and was forced to begin the slow, fighting ascent to the surface only to find that I swam too deep for too long. I was trapped in an icy grave of my own making that I could have avoided many moments ago. My anguished tears mix with the scum of my cold, watery existence as I beat the surface with angry fists, not wanting to swim with myself any longer. I see in the ice a reflection of who I have become and I barely recognize the eyes that return my stare. The me I thought I knew is now lost in the depths of this frozen place, abandoned and rejected by my own emotions and desires. This is not who I am, not who I have ever been, and not who I want to be but what hope do I have in this empty moment? I do not have the strength to rescue myself and no one else knows that I have been swimming here. So I pray shame-filled prayers to my Savior who has seen me swimming in the depths and watched me flail at the icy surface of these trappings. What other choice do I have?
I know that the day will soon come when the warmth of spring will melt away the ice that keeps me trapped and I will emerge in freedom. I will drink in the freshness of the rain as it washes away the scum and silt that drenches my body now so that I can walk from these waters clean and I will stand like the flowers that grow in beauty once the winter has passed and the rains have come. In the light, I will lift my face to heaven, my heart open like the petals of a rose as I drink in the newness of the day. There will be color, there will be life, and there will be freedom!
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