The Official Writing Challenge
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Oh, so sad! Really points out the fleeting quality of life, and our need to be ready. Adding descriptions of action to some of your lines of dialog will help the reader to keep track of who is speaking. Thanks for this timely story.
Forgive me if I'm wrong - but isn't this one of those stories without a Christian angle? It wouldn't have hurt to throw in something about faith or love from our creator as well. Or if it's from a non-Christians point of view, put a disclaimer.
Otherwise... a little overdone but you know, sad and all...
watch use of you're and your. Your mother, not you're mother. (you're is a shortened version of you are.) I think there were a couple of incorrect uses of you're in this article. Do a spell check before posting; a little sloppy with grammar. My first thought when I finished reading the story was I wondered if this was fact or fiction. Maybe it's just me, but it's frustrating to me as a reader if I don't know if something is fact or fiction. If this was a true story, perhaps a little addendum at the end could explain that. I loved the part of daddy walking like a penguin and people thought he was having a seizure! Nice little humor, there.
Iforgot to mention:
gee me anything. secretly gate. don' These are areas that need to be cleaned up.
You did a wonderful job with the dialogue in this. I really liked your characters. The end was a shocker--just as it would have been in real life. Really good job! (delinquently-delicately?)
Amber, this was a very good story and as I was acting as a Level 1 judge for this particular Challenge, I can tell you that it was really only some of the grammatical things that let your story down. In fact, I made a note on my rating sheet to make a point of encouraging you.

If you can find someone to proof-read your work before you submit it, that would be great. Quite often our brains trip over the errors in our own work, while it's still fresh. We know what it should say, so the brain fills in the gap. That's why we can go back to something we wrote weeks later and see a whole lot of mistakes that we didn't notice the first time around. That's where a fresh pair of eyes can be a wonderful blessing.

Now just on another point, one of the comments was that you didn't come from a Christian angle - but the commenter doesn't quite understand what that challenge requirement is asking for. Entries don't have to mention God, Christ or the bible in any way. But they should reflect a Christian view of life. In other words, the heroes or main characters shouldn't be seen as doing the wrong thing and getting away with it. Your story presented a loving family that was devastated by the events of that terrible day. So please, if you were at all concerned that you may have done the wrong thing, please put your mind at rest - and please, most importantly, keep writing! Love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)
Your dialogue is great. I agree that intermittent description of what's happening would be helpful. Good twist at the end--it's something all of us can relate to, I think.
Amber, you just proved again that you are tapping into what I truly believe is a real gift. Don't let the grammar stuff get you down - it's obvious you "brain-write" as i call it. When you get an idea and get started, it starts pouring out faster than you can keep up. I have a hole on my keyboard where my spell check is... please keep writing as I really enjoy your work. ( By the way, I finally got the nerve to send something in to the writer's challenge to. Muncher