The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Very interesting! I'd like to know more of the story. It seems this is not from the US..where? Maybe you could insert more description or history.
It would also help the reader if you left and extra space between paragraphs and speakers.
Good characterization.
This is definitely intriguing--I'd really like to know the setting. Where is this taking place? When?

Spaces between paragraphs would make it easier on the eyes.

I like your main character very much.