Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Teacher (10/26/06)
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TITLE: The Light of Ki� Shara | Previous Challenge Entry
By Everest Alexander
11/02/06 -
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“Ka’diysh, do you really think we’ll get through this?” Sa’nah asked nervously.
“I’ve told you before, where Jzhan Chris'tell guides He provides.” Her Mentor replied.
“But how can we be sure this is the right path?” She questioned.
The older man stopped and looked at his protege. “He's not called The Light of Ki’ Shara for nothing, He promised to show the way. He said that His Spirit would teach us and guide us in ALL things and I trust Him. This is what He said to do.”
She knew why her father trusted Ka’diysh. He was the most outstanding of all The Rab Ma’ghi and when offered the Office of High Ma’ghus he respectfully declined so that he could continue serving her family. This so impressed her mother that she asked him to become Sa’nah’s personal Mentor.
The howling snapped Sa’nah out of her thoughts!
Legend had it that the mere howling of a Baewolf was enough to stop a man’s heart!
She understood why!
The sound of each howl released a paralyzing fear and as the howling drew closer terror stampeded through her soul.
The first beast leapt into view and Ka’diysh spun, eyes blazing, “FOUL TERROR! STOP AND BE STILL!” He commanded.
The beast slowed and began stalking. Two more creatures joined and formed a semi-circle around the man and the girl.
Ka’diysh had encountered the beasts before; He pulled Sa’nah close, wrapped his cloak around her and squared off with the Black-Hounds of Shi’ades!
Sa’nah peeked from under the cloak. The beasts all looked the same, pure black with fangs and claws that could dismember a man in seconds.
“What are we to do?” She whispered hoarsely.
Her Mentor did not respond, his face betraying an intense internal conflict.
“These are no ordinary Baewolves!” Ka’diysh thought to himself. “They’re stronger.” His first command should have disabled the leader but it was still moving, stalking, thinking!
He knew that Baewolves were once humans in service to The Nameless, who through sorcery had their forms changed. Now they were after his protégé.
“Ka’diysh,” she whispered, “Can you defeat them?”
“I can’t. Not alone! But WE can, TOGETHER.”
“WE?” She sputtered, “But I…”
“Remember your training, Sa'nah.” He interjected firmly.
“In times of peril one might do, but none can resist the power of two!” She quoted from The Fifth Scroll of the VeoCode without thinking.
Ka’diysh had insisted she memorized the Scrolls. “It’s the ONLY weapon The Nameless cannot defeat,” He instructed her. “Know them or know death!”
Now, all that she learnt would be severely tested.
The Black-Hounds closed in and Sa’nah felt their thoughts.
Because they were once human they still had the ability to think and through the black arts of The Nameless One they had mastered psychic manipulation.
This was to be a battle of minds.
In unison the beasts began to roar with a deafening din while intensifying their psychic attack. Sa’nah resisted with every ounce of resolve but the beasts prevailed in their mental onslaught.
She desperately cried! “Ka’diysh, help me! I can’t…”
“Fight them, Princess, you can do this!” He encouraged.
“I don’t… they’re too…”
“Remember your training,” He commanded!
“I am with you always and My Spirit will teach you ALL things, follow My Spirit.” The words of Jzhan Chris'tell from The Fourth Scroll of the NeoCode flooded her mind as Sa’nah felt a surge of power within.
Ka’diysh was praying in the Ancient Tongues as she heard The Spirit saying to her, “Sa’nah, thoughts CANNOT defeat thoughts, only your WORDS can prevail.” And she understood what she must do.
Casting aside the cloak she stepped forward, “By the power of the Light of Ki’ Shara! In the name of Jzhan Chris’tell, I COMMAND YOU FOUL BEASTS… CEASE AND DESIST!!!
The animals faltered, backed away and bowed.
“IT IS WRITTEN,” she continued, “when two shall agree it must be done, to bind the power of The Nameless One!
NOW BEGONE!”
They scampered off in terror as Sa’nah and Ka’diysh both breathed a sigh of relief.
This battle was over but the war had just begun.
Pronunciation Guide:
· Ki’ Shara - Key-SHAH-rah
· Ka’diysh - Kuh-DEESH
· Sa’nah - Suh-NAH
· Rab Ma’ghi - Rahb-MAY-Gee
· Ma’ghus - MAY-gus
· Shi’ades - SHE-Aids
· Jzhan - Pronounced like the French ‘Jean’
· Chris’tell - Kris-TELL
· Baewolf - BAY-wolf
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I noticed some of the same things going on with each of your stories -
Drop the adverbs and use a stronger verb.
Puctuation - too many exclamation points and when dialogue, you need to use a comman before the he said she said.
I would redo my dialogue tags and perhaps make them into an action. Or have none at all if the reader can tell who is speaking.
When you said his faced showed 'intense internal conflict' it might be better to describe the look with an action - like his eyes squinted, or his features froze, or his mouth hung open rather than telling the reader the emotion - let the reader do it on their own by showing the action.
Hope this helps!
Tremendous achievement!
I have only two suggestions you might want to emplement and both are minor:
The opening sentence might read a tad better,
"Progress was arduous with peril mounting by the minute."
And at the end, the word scampering made me think "joyful." Could you use something more indicative of defeat such as slinking, or gliding - or even falling [away]?
Scattering, perhaps?
As I said, you have majored in the majors and that is so important. Looking forward to reading more of your offerings.
Janice Cartwright