TITLE: The Ramblings of a Crazy Person or an Intimate talk with Jesus
By Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom
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The Ramblings of a Crazy Person or an Intimate Talk with Jesus
Written by: Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom
The following is an excerpt from my prayer Journal. I felt God leading me to share it with others. Hopefully no one will call 911 and report a crazy person on the loose.
It’s almost morning and once again I find myself with not having slept at all. I’m letting my mind take me to dark places. I think I need to go to these places, just not alone. Thank you for never leaving my side. Even when I not only question Your existence, even my own, You are still here. I feel like I’m not even real sometimes, that I have no purpose in the world but to make people uncomfortable.
I cross the line, and say inappropriate things because I’m afraid it is the only time I am heard. When I’m being sensible, it feels like the world has pushed the mute button, but if I say the wrong thing, suddenly the volume is cranked up as loud as it will go. I used to think I was a nothing but a hole, but at least if I was a hole someone could fill me. There was at least an outside rim. But now the rim has been worn away and there’s nothing but nothing. I want to say it’s impossible to fill me, but I can hear You in the back of my mind telling me a hole like mine can only be filled with Your love. Please help me believe that is the truth.
I want to matter to the world so much, even if it’s only the small part of the world in which I live. I don’t want to be gone and have accomplished nothing meaningful. I want someone to remember me. Do I need to know why I
have always felt so minuscule or do I just plunge in now and start trying to be someone good?
O.K. I can hear You again telling me that I am good. But I’m afraid it’s just another part of my personality trying to soothe another part of my personality. What kind of child of God am I if I think my voice might be Yours? Am I really that arrogant or am I really that pathetic?
Thank You for trying to reassure me. I pray for the strength to pray for the strength to believe in something good. I’m so scared and uncertain, I’m not sure if I even want the strength to handle all of the muddle in my head. I’ve lived in murkiness for so long; it’s all I’ve ever known. I’m so scared to even try to ask for something better for me.
I hear You again! This time You’re telling me that I know I’m a good mother that I love my children fiercely. You go on and remind me I should take better care of the mother of my children. I am one of the persons in this world that means the most to them. Thank you for reminding me I am the only mother they have and my kids deserve to have a happy mother. I need to have peace in my heart. The kids would want nothing less than the best for their mommy.
You want my mind to be eased because it hurts You to see me hurt like this because You really love me that much. Thank you so much for bringing me back to the light. The dark is way too scary for me to be in alone. But I’m never alone am I? Thank you for however you’ve managed to keep me going this long. It’s like waiting in line for the very first time at a super cool attraction at Disney World. I can’t believe I’m standing in the heat, with crowds pressing in, just to go on a silly ride. But then it turns out to be more exquisite than I could have possibly imagined! The Magic of Your World is revealed, the air conditioning is gently cooling my hot face, and the awe in my children’s eyes gives me goose bumps. Thank you for encouraging me to not give up and leave the World, for then I would have truly missed the happiest place on earth. Or in Our case the happiest place beyond earth. I love you. Amen
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