TITLE: Vigilance - A Void in His Heart - Preview By Janeil Harricharan 09/20/09 |
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"I don't care. Move!"
Neil burst around the corner, firing five rounds in the guard who unfortunately was standing around the corner in his line of fire. The lasers vaporized his entire chest as the guard was reduced to a skeleton, clattering to the ground.
Looking back at Jennifer, he nodded and ran to the door, Jennifer on his heels. Jennifer pulled a sizeable block of C4 from her bag and smacked it onto the door.
"A decent explosive that I think you humans made," she commented, wiring the device.
Ducking for cover, Jennifer thumbed the detonator. The door blew open in smoke and sparks as they trained their weapons on the door.
"Clear!" Blackwell yelled.
The three of them entered the laboratory and started to go through files.
"There's so many papers! How do we know that we're supposed to take out of here?" Blackwell muttered, shuffling through a file cabinet.
"I don't know, Colonel, but I do know we're probably on the right track." Jennifer walked over to a bulletin board with a schematic of a generator-like machine tacked to it. "This appears to be a jha'lam tharak, or in your language, a interial damper."
"Capital ship?" Blackwell looked at Jennifer in question.
"Looks like it. I recognize those conduit connections." Neil pointed to several small dots on one end of the device. "They're probably trying to be able to make their ships be able to turn better."
"I thought the UEA had damper technology." Blackwell studied the schematic as Jennifer started to take it off the board.
Neil left them and tore a external hard drive from a computer and stuck it into his bag. "They have damper tech, but they don't have it down properly. The device exists; they just don't have enough juice on a capital ship to run the thing."
"Sometimes I wonder if you would have made a good engineer," Blackwell mused.
Neil stopped from putting his JumpDrive into the computer as he looked at the colonel. "That was one thing I was wanting to become. My dad, the I-Ship....things change. I hate to say it, but I'm glad those aliens crashed their rust bucket down here. My life would have still been a nightmare."
Jennifer looked at Neil incredulously. "Nightmare? Define."
Neil shook his head. "That's another story for another day." He started to use to the computer. "I got the research. Find anything else?"
Jennifer quickly glanced around the room. "I don't believe so. Let's go while we still have the element of first strike."
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The doors opened as Hannah looked up. Neil & Jennifer walked in, letting their assault rifles clatter onto a lab table.
"What, weapons no good enough for you?" Hannah asked, waltzing forward and imitating quotation marks with her fingers.
"They worked quite good, actually. Thanks for giving me something other than a bullet to shoot into my enemy." Neil answered. "We're supposed to give you the research we stole from the lab complex for you to analyze." He motioned to Jennifer, who unslung her bag and placed it into Hannah's arms.
"Oooh, data, huh?" Hannah pulled out the hard drive and put it on a counter next to a laptop. "Tell captain her special ships not going to get much work on with this on my plate."
"She understands; don't worry about it." Jennifer assured her.
Hannah started to get to work as the two of them left the lab.
"The captain has allowed us to do whatever we wish until further notice," Jennifer said. "What do you plan to do?"
"Nothing right now....I just need to be alone." Neil said abruptly, walking away.
Jennifer stopped, puzzled. He had still been acting strange since mentioning of his father since yesterday. He seemed unphased when he mentioned about him in the lab, but it was as if there was anger that was related to him.
"There is more than meets my eye," Jennifer thought to herself. With that, she turned the opposite direction and walked down to her room.
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Neil entered the research bay where his Su-30SX was parked. The lights were on, but nobody were at their stations. The new engines that Hannah was boasting about for the past week were covered in a yellow plastic tarp in a corner as wires, hoses, and cables ran in disarray over the ground.
Neil sat down against a wall and sank against the cold metal. He stared at his jet as past memories filled his mind.
I don't trust a single word you say. You're going to cry and say you're sorry, but you're never going to change....
Neil let his pistol rest on the ground besides him and tried to surpress the voices that spoke in his head. He could get rid of them. He remembered Valeria sharing his memories, talking one-on-one to people who cared, and going on a journey to help get rid of some of his problems. But this was one problem he never attempted to tackle yet...
You've always had an attitude about you; a streak, since I carried you in your arms. Because of that, I've had problems with you unlike all my other children....
"I HATE YOU!" Neil screamed. He picked up a scrap of metal and hurled it against the other side of the research bay. It hit the wall with a thunderous bang as it slowly faded away. He had the urge to fire a round or two into the junk he just threw, but decided not to make a scene that would have summoned security.
Neil sank against the wall and clenched his fists. "I'm glad I never got attached to you. I was always an outcast to you..."
For the first time since Bebo died, Neil started to cry. He rested his arms on his knees and rested his forehead on them, his pistol in hand. He had no worries about suicide; rather, he didn't feel so vulnerable being armed in his current emotional state. His tears formed small droplets on the ground as the only sounds of airflow and generators reached his ears.
He hadn't been keeping track of time, but two sets of footsteps reached his ears. His grip tightened on the pistol as he realized Kawinzky and Porter probably came back to either run a test or two or to get something. He started to run through his head what he'd tell them if they saw him when his train of thought was broken by his supposed company.
"Neil?" Elizabeth's voice asked.
Neil's tension eased slightly, knowing that Elizabeth wasn't much of a bother to him. However, he still wanted to be alone.
The footsteps and the soft rustle of skirts became louder as they got closer. Neil heard Elizabeth and her unidentified companion sit down on either side of him as Elizabeth gently rested her hand on his shoulder.
"What's wrong?" Elizabeth asked gently, resting her other hand on his arm.
"I have never seen you cry without something you had seen or injury from combat. What happened, human?" Jennifer's voice added.
For one small instance, Neil felt secure. The pistol didn't matter as his grip slackened on it. He looked up as Elizabeth's eyes met with his. She was speechless, unsure of how to respond to wave of emotions that screamed in his eyes.
"Here, lean on my shoulder, okay?" Elizabeth drew Neil to her side and let his head rest on her shoulder as Jennifer pried his fingers off his pistol. Holstering his weapon back for him, Jennifer embraced him as well while Elizabeth tucked a leg beneath her.
Neil cried quietly for a few minutes. Jennifer could not understand what past memory could have hurt him so much, but she could feel her friend's pain. She gingerly stroked his head occasionally in attempt to soothe him.
"Do you want to talk?" Elizabeth carefully ventured a few minutes later. Neil nodded and wiped his face with the back of his sleeve of his jacket.
"I don't know how to explain it to you." Neil sniffled, shrinking against Elizabeth's assuring warmth. More tears ran from his eyes.
"Your father; it has something to do with him, doesn't it?" Jennifer asked. "What happened to him?"
"It wasn't what happened to him, is what he did to me." Neil answered. "Not trusting what I say, treating me like I was insane, pretending not to be angry with me, assuming what I do and not listening to what I really meant to do; it can go on forever. But the bottom line is, what he did hurt me greatly. I think he knew and that's why he continued, and blew it off when I told him."
"Wait, you told him?" Jennifer asked in disbelief. "And it still continued?"
Neil nodded. "Mom didn't say much; it was a one on one between us until the I-Ship crashed. When Dr. Morgan took me with him that day from school, I never saw him back. I never bothered to go back, either. I....never want to see him again."
"I always got preached from him about money and not amounting to anything. He always talked about other people saving money and how they were doing financially. He never got the concept of me doing anything else. I know he would have never understood what I do now, much less approve of it. The knowledge of me being involved in an interstellar war would just make him preach more and more and even more about that I'm a failure and that everyone's making it in life."
"He said that he loved me and that he carried me around when I was tiny and changed my diapers. Then he follows that up and says that I had something in me unlike his other children that caused him grief, heartache, and problems. What am I supposed to make of that?"
Jennifer snorted in disgust. "He very successfully undermined his entire statement, if not more."
"I never felt special from him. I just got lectures, statements that I was a son, and constant reminders that my siblings didn't give him trouble. Did he think that would make me change? No, it hurt me. In fact, he never even understood why I blogged on Facebook. He said I bad-talked his family and that he could go reveal my dark past to everyone." He clenched his fist. “I never want to have a father again…”
"Karjuk!" Jennifer cursed quietly to herself. She could feel the hurt and pain that he felt, and would be more than happy to do anything it took to see Neil better.
"He never understood even half the story, didn't he?" Elizabeth asked. She patted his shoulder "You can't help it, but when someone talks about your dad, because of all the stuff that's happened, you get angry. But you haven't resolved it...."
Neil glanced at the piece of metal he had thrown. "The only way I think that's going to get resolved is if someone starts filling me with positive instead of negative. I've got a little bit since I came onboard the Vigilance, but certain human emotions and feelings are either scarred or inexperienced. Being loved by a family is one of them. Comrades and co-workers I seem to get the concept of, but the scars left by someone close or the empty gap that people that live next to you never fill still remain."
"I think I get your drift." Elizabeth smiled sadly. She glanced at Jennifer, conveying a look to show more sympathy.
"I understand your gesture, Elizabeth, but I cannot help but to feel anger myself towards Neil's father. Someone as Neil did not deserve to be wronged like this; to be in pain or turmoil….to be alone."
"Thanks Jennifer, but I doubt you can eve convince him otherwise. I think I just need to not ever meet him again. I always have anger towards him no matter what, intentional or not. But part of that stems from that big empty feeling I still have..."
"The want for love..." Elizabeth quoted Valeria's evaluation. "That's something you have to do on your own, but you can have lots of help on that. And for starters, I want to tell you something that I've been thinking about for the past few minutes."
Getting up, Elizabeth helped Neil to his feet as she rested her hands on his shoulders and looked him in the face with a loving expression on her own.
"Remember that difference you told me about earlier? That so called "streak" that he thinks is some impure thing in you? Let me tell you something; it’s been with you since you were tiny. Back then and even now I think you don't quite know what it is or how to handle it, but I believe it’s something special. I think it’s a gift given to you by someone special." Elizabeth touched Neil's heart with her finger. "Start down here, okay?"
Neil threw his arms around Elizabeth and started to cry again. Elizabeth returned his embrace and rubbed his back gently, hoping that something would have at least made him feel better. Jennifer looked on at both of them as Elizabeth let go and placed an arm around him.
"I believe me and a few other people told you this about a few months back, but I'm saying it again knowing you better as a person. I love you, all right?" Elizabeth muzzled the top of the young man’s head and kissed it softly.
"So do I, in a way. I've been honored to fight by your side in combat and help the Vigilance in the missions it undertakes, human. Thought I'm not an emotional being like your species, I understand it and am not devoid of it. I have a personal preference for you over other people because of who you are. When I saw you distressed for the past two days, I felt concern for you." Jennifer started to walk to the door, looking back at him. “Someone else does care for you, Terran.”
"I don't think your father ever took the time to know you besides observations to correct you and do what he wanted you to do." Elizabeth led Neil towards where Jennifer was as the door opened. "You'll be fine, okay? Hang in there.”
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