Bible Studies
"Uh.
I can clean litter boxes,
really good."
[PATIENT SMILE.]
"Hey.....LORD?
WHAT do YOU
think?"
"About what,
My precious."
"YOU know!
About that SEMINAR,
I went to, the OTHER
NIGHT!"
[NOD.]
"AT CHURCH!"
[NOD.]
"WELL?"
[SILENCE.]
"WHAT ARE THEY?"
[SILENCE.]
"My GIFTS!
MY SPIRITUAL GIFTS!"
[PATIENT PAUSE.]
"You don't need to
yell, Mein kinder.
I'm Right Here."
"Hey, LORD!
You USED an ENGLISH CONTRACTION!
THAT'S REALLY GOOD!
Have You been doin'
Your ESL HOMEWORK?"
(Smile!)
(Gaze up at ceiling fan.)
(Chuckle!)
[PATIENT SIGH.]
"SO?
SO?
What ARE THEY?
My GIFTS?
I mean....besides,
Northwest Philly Jewish SARCASM?"
(Smile!)
What... ARE THEY?"
[PATIENT SILENCE.]
[PEER OFF AT A ROUGH
SPOT ON THE MOON.]
(Childish screech.)
"WHAT?
WHAT?"
[CHUCKLE.]
(Cranky frown!)
"The ones, in here...."
"Where,
My beloved."
(Cranky squint!)
"In HERE!
Right, in HERE!
...having gifts
that differ
according to the
grace given to us...
prophecy...service,
teaching...exhortation..
contributes in liberality...
gives with zeal...
acts of mercy......
[Romans 13:6-8]"
[NOD.]
"There's also some
part about tongues....
and healing....."
"Where,
child?"
"Well, Lord....
YOU know this stuff,
better than I DO!"
(Impatient frown!)
(Flip around pages.)
(Sip some hot herb tea*.)
"Here's something:
Now concerning
spiritual gifts....
wisdom...knowledge..
faith...healing....
working miracles...
prophecy...tongues...
interpretation of
tongues..
[1 Corinthians 12:1-10]
What's TONGUES,
LORD?"
"You know,
child."
"Oh, yeah."
(Squirm.)
(Grimmace!)
[SILENCE.]
"I don't like it;
I think it's SCARY.
Well.....
what about......HEALING?"
(Thoughtful squint.)
(Peer up at ceiling, crankily.)
Hey....LORD?
Are You ever gonna HEAL
my kitty's FUR**?
I've been PRAYIN'
about it, every DAY, NOW!"
(Kvetchy frown.)
"For MONTHS!"
(Frown.)
"And, I ain't gettin'
ZILCH!"
[SILENCE.]
(Kvetchy mutter.)
(Mumble.)
(Murmur.)
[FAR OFF RUMBLE
FROM FAR AWAY MOUNT SINAI.]
"What was that,
CHILD?"
(Mumble.)
(Turn away.)
"I didn't say NOTHIN'."
[PATIENT NOD.]
[GENTLE FROWN.]
(Frown.)
(Shrug.)
(Mutter.)
[PATIENT SIGH.]
(Cranky sigh.)
"WELL?
WELL?
What ELSE....
can I DO?
EXHORT?
RETORT?
RESORT?
CONTORT?
SORT?
CONSORT?
DEBORK?
EAT TORTS?
EAT PIZZA?
EAT PORK?"
(Sassy smile!)
[PATIENT FROWN.]
"Read My Word,
child."
(Whiny, nasally voice.)
"But.......L..O..R..D!"
(Whiny screech.)
"I wanna know my.......
G...I...F....T....S!"
"That is It,
child.
My Word."
*********************
It is written,
Man shall not live
by bread alone,
but by every word
that proceeds
from the
mouth
of God.
[Matthew 4:4]
___________________________
*Author's nose is still
stuffy, from that $50
worthless-flu-shot-double-colds-
in-3-weeks-cold/flu. She
figures that if she had
spent $80 for the flu
shot, maybe it would
have covered more flu
virus strains. She figures
she must have gotten
a bargain-basement-
flu-shot.
**Poor kitty's been going bald,
from the paws up, for months
now. One vet says it's
'allergies'. Another says
'nerves'. The author thinks
they're both a bunch of
worthless yahoos: just like
that doctor who gave her
(the author, not the cat)
the worthless flu-shot.
The author, following the
advice of her Christian friends,
keeps prayin' about it, but
so far,
it's not doin' nothin'.
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