Encouragement
With father’s day around the bend, I find my heart in a struggle. Not only do I bear the pain of a broken spirit because my own father’s spirit is so damaged…he can’t seem to love me; I also carry my 9 year old son’s pain as well. His father, much like my own; does not have the ability to show love. So I cry for him. When my little boy tells me he doesn’t care~ I cry inside for him. When he tries to hide behind his mask…I ache inside for him.
Everyday I watch as he slowly slips away. Where is he going? I’m not sure. But I can feel his spirit deteriorate….bit by bit. And how do I know this? Because after 40 some years that’s what happened to me. It doesn’t happen quickly. It’s a slow death to your soul. Your spirit dies inside~ a slow painful death. I can see it in my boy’s eyes. I try and be everything to him. But no matter how hard I try~I just can’t. I can’t be something I’m not. Being a dad, somehow just doesn’t fit the bill.
One month ago his dad told him he never really wanted him. Last week end he dropped him off after a 3 day stay and left a little boy standing at the front door in tears. He left shouting unkind words and I watched a 9 year old boy’s world fall apart. As I proceeded to hold him through his tears of anger and pain, I tried to ease his aching heart. For thirty minutes I held him and tried to comfort an already wounded soul. If I could have taken the pain away and thrown it out the window~I would have. But I can tell you one thing. As that little boys mom~I felt every inch of his pain. I could feel his pain as it wrapped itself around my heart. My great sadness was that I couldn’t take away his pain.
After almost 45minutes of loving and comforting my little guy, I asked God to help me say the right words. What could I say that would help mend his broken spirit?
That’s when the right words came. So do you know what I said? Of course you don’t. But I am about to tell you what the Holy Spirit revealed~through me.
“Son, I said~ let’s face it ...we both have dads that just can’t love us. But they are our earthly dads. WE have one dad who can love us just the way we need to be loved. And do you know who that dad is”? A sad and tear stained face of what momentarily looked like the face of an angel looked up at me and replied, “ Is It God Mom”?” Why yes”, I replied. How did you know? “I just knew mom that’s all ", he answered back as he wiped his last tear.
I fell asleep with my arms around my son. The next day we woke up and I told him how much I loved him. And even though I couldn’t take his pain away…I was there with him. I was there from beginning~to end. I was there to comfort him and it didn’t matter how long it took. I think of my Father in heaven. Now that’s a dad! There have been many times in my own life when I needed comforting. There have been moments when my spirit was crushed in a million pieces. It was in these desperate moments of despair that I believe Jesus also wrapped His arms around me. And even though he couldn’t strip the pain from my soul...He too cried every tear I cried and felt my heart as it wept. And just like a mom who wants to comfort her son He too cradled me and held me for as long as it took. And, just like any parent who loves their child beyond measure~ He told me how much He loved me!
So in my temporary moment of grief over my son, I somehow saw the face of our Father. The same Father who was there to comfort me would also be there for my hurting boy. The same Father who wrapped His arms around me would hold my boy and rock him to sleep at night. What more could I ask for? I had the best dad anyone could ever have! He would always love me despite myself. He would always be there when I needed Him. He was all forgiving and merciful. And on this evening when I wasn’t sure how I could help to ease his pain~ I was able to tell him the truth. I was able to tell my son who his real daddy was!
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
Psalm 68:5 (NIV)
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