Faith
Well…I put it back on the altar this week, 1:46 a.m. on Monday morning, to be exact. It hurt, I won’t lie. Maybe more than the last time I put it on the altar. Someone once told me, “The decisions that hurt the most, are the ones that must be made.” That rang true on Monday morning.
Clearly, I thought I had it all figured it out. Obviously, I didn’t have a clue.
This week has been pretty rough because I haven’t got much sleep and my heart has been pretty heavy. I guess I feel like I have to put up the “strong” walls when I’m out and about, not wanting anyone to know that I am hurting inside. Although….I know that God knows my deepest feelings. So I just talk to Him about it and well, I write about it because I can express what I feel a lot better when I write.
There is a Barlow girl song called porcelain heart, and a line in it says, a broken heart stings at first but then it makes you strong. That is something I have been thinking about all week. And here is what I have come up with…
It is in our weakness that we are strong, because Christ through us is what gives us the strength to get through these rough times. It is when we are down on our knees that we are most intimate with God and know Him so closely, in the broken times, when we have no choice but to surrender to Him is when He can use us. I was reading something that I wrote in my journal on May 19th….
“The Lord has shown me many amazing things this week. Although the raging sea within my heart continues every day, it is His sovereign sway that calms me down. It is His soft whisper that blankets the breaking of my heart. I love you so much Jesus, Lover of my soul. Please help me to be completely and utterly devoted unto my True Prince.”
I realized something after I read this passage. In May I had a different outlook on what God was/is doing with my “love life”. And I was willing to surrender it all to Him but then I began to think that I had everything under control and I took it ALL right back off of the altar. It was like a kid snatching a cookie from the counter and then booking it so that mom doesn’t see. Sooner or later one becomes tired from running away from what God wants them to do and it is then that they go back to the Father and hand it all over, crumbled and in pieces.
In my brokenness, my God can speak to my heart. So if this is where I have to stay just to hear Him, then I will. My flesh is crying out to go back and just pick it up off the altar, it would be so easy! But then, I know, after I picked it up, I would be miserable because it’s not the plan God has for my life. So why? Why can’t I just trust Him to take care of it all?
I cry, I pray, can’t there be another way? But, it is in the midst of my brokenness that the Lord transforms me and draws me so much closer to Him. I know He hears my cries, and he hears my prayers…and yet He says…Follow Me.
I want so badly to know the future, I truly do. Ah, but dear friends, if I knew the future I would make all of my decisions off of what I see for the future. Deep down, when I search my heart, I know that although I pray, can’t there be any other way? There can’t be. Because this is what God is choosing to use in my life to break me. The longer I kick against the geodes the longer it will take God to do His mighty work.
In the book When Dreams Come True by Eric and Leslie Ludy, Eric quotes at the end:
“True love is worth all the pain that patience and perseverance can inflict. You’ll have to experience it for yourself, but even something as simple as a kiss becomes unforgettable and priceless when the Author of Romance is scripting the story.” {pg 252}
I believe that he is right. So, I have put it on the altar this week and I will draw near to my God to keep it there, knowing that when the Lord is done breaking me, I will be closer to Him. Nothing comes close to the priceless gain of knowing Jesus Christ.
Broken but beautiful in the eyes of the King,
A.Pennington
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