Family
If you have read my 'Thanksgiving Poop List' story then you may be interested in this--the update. I wrote this letter for my family and I am sharing it with you as well. I, even though I might want to, will not be giving up anytime soon. I've wallowed in my despair, shed my tears, and been comforted by my Best Friend. After I finished all the cooking for my husband and my son who still lives here, I prepared several bags of food and took them to my son Kevin, my brother Eddie, and my niece Kolby. I also took a copy of this letter. Kevin's car was repossessed by the dealer last night, so I am assuming, though I don't really know, that the felony charge doesn't apply now. They have the car back, though he didn't do the right thing by taking it back to them instead of them having to hunt it down. I think I successfully explained to him why I had to bow out and fold on the feast this year. We hugged--said we loved each other. We will get through this time somehow. I don't know how yet. It's just so hard. I am just so soft.
Anyway, this is the letter I am distributing to my family, and I hope they take it in the spirit in which it was written--in love.
"I just want to start by letting all of you know how much I love you and how sorry I am that I picked Thanksgiving to have my pity party. Ya'll have all had yours--I feel I am entitled to have one of my own. It just happened at a weird time. But I don't bear the responsibility for all of it.
Think about how ya'll felt when I told you I wasn't going to do the get-together this year. What did you feel? That's how I feel all the time. Yet no one else offered to host the party either. Makes me feel like I bear all the weight somehow. That's a heavy load for one person. What if I was sick? Would you still be blaming me for spoiling your holiday? NEWSFLASH!!! I am sick-just not physically.
I told Kevin there wasn't much of a family anymore but I was wrong. We do have family. If not, then why do the actions of any one of us affect all the others the way they do? If we didn't care, then we just wouldn't care. But we do. Every time Eddie picks up a crack pipe, it affects the rest of us. Even if we only THINK he's doing it. Even if we don't have any proof. Messages on my answering machine telling me that Kevin has a felony warrant on him affects ALL of us. I spent that whole night in tears, picturing Kevin in handcuffs or locked up in jail. Kolby losing our babies affects ALL of us. She made a mistake. Don't we all? One is no worse than another. She thinks no one cares, that we all resent her for it. She is wrong. We are heartbroken but we do care. No one resents her-she got caught in a trap, one of the many traps that every member of our family is genetically prone to falling into-we are all bleeding inside for her. Because we LOVE her. We miss our beautiful babies too--I can't imagine the nightmare she is living. When we hear that a stupid rat tried to bite Theresa, don't we all get upset and scramble for the solution? When we heard about Logan's autism, didn't it affect us all? When Katie died, weren't we all affected? How about when Daddy and Pop died, didn't we all cry together, even the women who had divorced them? And Nana and Papa, aren't we all still feeling the reverberations from their passing?
I am not the only one responsible for the lack of a Thanksgiving this year, nor am I the only one responsible for holding the family together. All of us share the responsibility, or should. I am tired. I am worried. I am heartbroken. I am unable to bear the weight. Ya'll have a responsibility to the rest of us too. Number one would be to stop making us worry all the time by taking care of your business.
I pray all the time for all of you but I get the feeling that the things I worry over you don't care about. Why should I feel like I'm the only one who cares? I don't think I should. You should care too. Kevin, I will love you no matter what you do. You will never be rid of me. But my nerves are frayed from excessive worry. I love you. I just can't get mixed up in this mess you have made. And every time I see you, I get mixed up in it. Do the right things, Kevin, and come see me when you've learned a better way. You know what to do, you're smart. Just do it.
Eddie, you will always be my big brother. I've always been proud to call you my brother, no matter what else was going on. I've always been closer to you than anyone in the family. At least I thought I was. Kolby, you know you're loved. I see great things in your future--you just have to see them too, and go after them with some of that stubbornness of yours.
Christmas will be better. We won't be 'cancelling' Christmas. The next time you say, "What I do doesn't have anything to do with you or your life", think about it. Because everything you do affects ALL of us.
Because we ARE family!
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