Marriage
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I was asked to write something that describes the roles of husbands and wives. This is a slippery slope conversation, of course. If you catch my title, then you can perhaps see where this is going. My writings are off the top of my head, so let me take a stab and tell you my perspective on this “near to every woman’s heart” discussion…
Where to begin… Let us take a look at what Scripture says – Wait!, this will be a matter of interpretation, won’t it? Not exactly. Clearly, Scripture tells us many things about the roles of wives and husbands – I have attached some links that reference these passages at the end, and I encourage you to read them. For now, let’s take a look at what I will call the #1 for wives….
1 Corinthians 11:9 “Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.”
Don’t be hating on me, girls, but this is what the Good Book says. Let’s look at this from one perspective.
We know that God Created Man first, and then Woman. Scripture tells us that God saw that man was lonely and needed a helper, so he put him to sleep and created his companion from one of his ribs. Man was given charge over the Garden, remember. It was His role to tend it, and care for it, and be a good steward over it and all the animals. Woman was to be his Help-mate, but clearly the Man was the leader. Now, we go further into the story, and we get to that instruction from God about the Tree of Life, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil….. And then enters the bad guy, Lucifer here and he tricks that woman into eating what she was told to Not Eat.
HOLD IT! ....... Do you really believe this story? I believe scriptures are literal, 100%, excluding the obvious metaphors. Yes! This is not a fairy tale.
Going on, so this Woman goes up to Adam and she tells him all about what happened in the garden, the conversation with that snake, and how she took the fruit and ate it and it tasted good, and Oh yeah – She didn’t die! So Adam, being a good husband, Rebuked His Wife, reminded her that God said that was off the food list, and asked God to please forgive her.
Wait! That’s not what happened!
No, it isn’t, but if it had happened this way, our world would be a lot different. Sin entered the world when Adam took and ate, not when Eve did. It was Adam who held the responsibility over all of creation in the Garden and whose responsibility it was to obey the Lord. The consequence of Adam’s actions were great, and the woman caused an eternal struggle between husbands and wives that we see continuing in our marriages today – Who’s in charge? Ok, so now that we have this history out of the way, perhaps we can address marriage in today’s world, and the roles of each partner.
Obviously things have changed a bit. In today’s world, in America, both men and women have jobs. That has created this thing of 50/50 partnership in our minds. I do this, he does that, we share equally, and each of us pulls our weight. Except, that is not happening in most marriages.
I hear it all the time from friends and family………”I’m doing everything”, “I can’t even get him to take out the garbage”, “I come home and he’s been home all day and didn’t do anything”, and my favorite “ I left him a list and he didn’t do anything on it!”, etc., etc.
DISCLAIMER: Now, if you are part of my family, I am not writing this in some secret code language for you, and I am not writing this about you….it is simply a recurring theme in my life lately from many of my friends and family, and someone asked me to share my thoughts on this subject……don’t take it personally………. Just read it (or not) and you will either agree or disagree….
Ok, well, I do have some news for you ladies out there. It is not a 50/50 deal, and it never was. Certainly some things are, and I would never disagree that a marriage in today’s world should attempt to be a shared 50/50 partnership, but I am also a realist. And let me add this one little word in here that should make you think before you get really mad at me.
PERSPECTIVE.
The traditional role of the man is to be the provider and protector. The traditional role of the woman is to be the helper, the one who makes the home and cares for the children. Our society and way of life in America has created huge difficulty in maintaining these traditional roles. But that doesn’t mean that the roles have changed. And put into proper perspective, that 50/50 thing should never come into play.
Ok… hold on……..
Remember that we are basing this on the Biblical perspective, ladies. I often direct my girls who are wives or perspective wives to read about the Proverbs 31 wife. This describes the ideal wife and mother. And if you read it well, you will find that nowhere in these verses is the P31 wife compared to the man.
But you say that was written for that time. And I say NO! It was written as a model for all time.
What stands out about the P31 wife is that she is taking care of the home, she is getting up early before anyone and making things ready for the day, and she is staying up later to look over her family. Her husband is well known partly because of her care for him, and her children and her husband call her blessed.
Ok, so you say – That is me, I am doing all that, and I think that I am being the best wife I can be, but shouldn’t my husband be helping me?
And you would be right.
But remember, our role is to be the helper and his is to lead. So I would say to you, how are you helping him in his role, firstly?
Now this question is a loaded one because there are a whole lot of caveats to it. By First examining ourselves, we may find the answer. How is our obedience to God, our prayer life, and our obligations to our family. Are all those things in good order.
What that means is ask yourself - am I behaving righteously or am I doing things that are hindering my life, such as spending too much money, popping pills, gossiping, complaining, doing anything illegal or immoral…..?
Yes, start by examining yourself. If you are in good standing, then you can look at your husband’s role – and vice-versa.
Let’s look at the good husband - (my views, and probably why I am unmarried...LOL)
His role is to be the provider, the protector. The good husband will have a job, or be looking for one until he finds it. The good husband will consistently be looking out for the best interest of his family and his wife. He will be a good communicator, and he care for his wife, even during those times when she is not so loveable. If he is not working, and his wife is, he will not let the home become a pile of mess, and he will provide that help. The good husband, will not let his wife handle the brunt of work inside the home or with the children.
The good husband cares about his wife, like Christ cares for the church. As the protector, he will not defame her in public, and he will carry the weight on his shoulders of the financial problems and issues, so she does not have that worry. Or if he is not able to handle finances, he will work together with her, not abdicate his responsibility to her and leave her to handle things that she was never meant to handle.
The good husband, will not let his wife rule over him, but he will also not be overbearing or abusive with his words. If he needs to correct, he does it lovingly, with understanding, but firmly holding HIS PLACE as the head of the family.
His role carries much weight and his responsibility is great for he bears the responsibility for the entire family, not just himself. And the same applies to him – is he in good standing with God, is he of good moral character, is he overspending, popping pills, drinking, or doing anything immoral or illegal.
And let’s not forget there are plenty of marriages where the man is doing it all, working, housework and kids.
It bears stating here that our roles have gotten mixed up because of our society. But there is still a way to manage traditional roles, even so. It all begins with your personal relationship with God.
Is your husband accusing you of wearing the pants? Well, somebody’s got to pay the bills, or manage the house, right. Yes, this is right. Is your wife handling the finances and all the housework?
These are questions for the modern marriage. And there are no easy solutions, except to be found between two people that have formed this marriage, and agreed to a covenant. You TOOK VOWS before God. Each one has a personal responsibility first to God, then to each other. I tell you if you do not fulfill the first one, then doing the second one will have difficulties.
Ladies, I titled this ALL OTHER ASSIGNED DUTIES.
Our complaints that center around the housework, and things of the home that go undone – should belong to an open and honest discussion with your husband. What does he expect from you? What do you think is his part of the home making? Is taking out the garbage his job or yours? Washing dishes, making the beds, mopping the floors, doing the laundry?
You have to work together to figure out how you wish to live together and make a home. And if you have property, who cares for the lawn, the garage, the barn, the fields, etc. What needs to be done and by who? If the wife can’t cook, does the husband cook? If the Husband can’t handle finances, does the wife? Who sews the socks? If you truly want to have a 50/50 marriage when it comes to these things, then you have to know where each of you thinks your role should be, and go from there.
And if during the course of your marriage, something needs to be done, instead of complaining or expecting the other one to do it – why not do it yourself? With a glad heart and non-complaining attitude? Ladies, you are smart, and you can figure out how to get things done, if your husband isn’t doing them. But complaining to him constantly about it will get you nowhere. It will only make him look at you differently. Try talking to him. And in the end, whatever the outcome, don’t make a battle over taking out the garbage. “We divorced because he would never take out the garbage”. How ridiculous.
I’m not saying men have it easy, or letting them off the hook. No way.
I was married to someone that NEVER lifted a finger to help me do ANYTHING. I would get up early, and get my son off to the babysitter, go to work, work all day, get to the babysitter so I would have time to spend with my son before bedtime, and get home to fix dinner. My husband, did not work, slept all day, and left the house about 30 minutes before I came home. So yeah, I know this story very well.
Notice I said I WAS married. I did not know how to handle that situation, but I can tell you this –my house was clean, my garbage was taken out and those things paled in comparison to the real issues. Knowing what I know now, I did not do my part, even though I thought I did. But I did not pray for him. I did not have a good relationship with Christ, so I was ignorant to the power of prayer. It may or may not have made things different because there were other problems, but the housework – that was my responsibility, and I gladly did it because I loved my family and my absent husband.
Ladies, the Men bear the brunt of responsibility, morally, and spiritually. It is their role to lead their family in the ways of God, and to be Godly examples. In a marriage, this is the ultimate role and it never changes and is a heavy burden with eternal consequences.
But going back to Proverbs 31, this wife prays over her family and her husband day and night.
When I started this little blog today, I had no idea where it was going to lead. There are many different ways to approach the problems of roles and responsibilities in a marriage. But what I believe is the most important thing is to be in right standing with God first. The person that seeks to be lead by God and works on their daily relationship with him will live a blessed life. Putting God first and giving all our problems over to him through prayer and devotion needs to become a way of life. In pursuing Godly living, what is important now becomes more focused, and how to let go of things much easier.
Remember, we are not able to make another person behave or do things we think they should be doing. We can barely handle our own character, much less control anyone else’s. When you made that vow “ for better or worse” you promised to hang in there. So hang in there. Do whatever it takes to keep your vow, no matter what the other one is doing. There will be tough times, and there will be times of great joy. The latter days will be better than the first, if you can hang in there, persevere through all the trials…..keeping God in the forefront of your whole life. It won’t be in things, or money, or worldly attitudes or possessions, but your life will come to a place of peace in all things because you have been walking with God through all the trials.
Honor your oaths and vows, or don’t make them. Be the best you can be with all your heart. Ask God to help you daily to be the best wife, the best husband, the best mom, the best dad, the best in every role that you have in this life. Give 100% of yourself. If both people give 100%, nothing goes undone.
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