Marriage
As I write this, the loveless words of accusation and incrimination still ring in my ears. Just last night my wife and I had one of the biggest fights of our thirty year marriage. However, the words were not hers…they were mine. Even now I am shaking my head in shame at the memory of it; wondering how after all these years I am still capable of mistreating my wife as if I were still an unbeliever, unaware of what Christ expects of me in this relationship.
What would you like your wife to become? Most of us, if asked this question, would probably respond: more loving, more accepting, more respectful, more understanding, etc. How many of us would reply, “A woman belonging to God.” Yet that is exactly the responsibility Paul lays at the feet of husbands in Ephesians 5. That and the rest of our marching orders are found in Ephesians 5:21-33. When you read this you might be tempted to object, “Come on…who can do that? We’re talking about Christ’s love. How can I love like that? I’m not God! Maybe I could hope to approach that level of love someday; but right now? It’s impossible!” But is it? Let’s break these verses down.
First we have verse 21:
And you will submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ.
So often, we as husbands like to forget this verse when it comes to the whole submission question. Marriage is first and foremost complete surrender of each to the other. In essence we say to each other, “I willingly place your needs and happiness above my own out of respect and honor to my Lord.” It is an act of complete trust in and respect for one another. However, is it based on a long and faithful track record of all we’ve done for one another? No…it is based on the honor, respect and fear we owe our Lord, and nothing else.
Next we have verses 22-24:
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord; for the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. It is he who is the Savior of the body. Indeed, just as the church is submissive to Christ, so wives must be submissive to their husbands in everything.
In these verses Paul calls wives specifically to place themselves under their husband’s authority. It is not mere chance that he calls wives to this after he has made it clear we are to surrender to each other first. Could it be that the Lord understands that it is easier to submit to someone who has surrendered himself to you? In any case, here Paul begins to build his case for the husband and wife being living examples of Christ’s love for His church. And just as the church must surrender to Christ to enjoy the fullness of all that relationship promises, so too, must wives surrender to their husbands to enjoy that relationships fulness. Just as we surrender to the Lord trusting in His faithfulness and His promises, so too, wives are now called to surrender to their husbands, trusting in the promises he has just made to her; promises to have and hold her no matter what, that through good times and bad he will stand with her and remain true to and uphold the covenant he has made with her for as long as he lives. Wives are not called to submit blindly to an ideal; rather she is called to surrender herself to that one to whom she has already surrendered her heart. She does this trusting completely this man she has decided to spend the rest of her life with…this man who now holds her heart in his hands. And she does it in honor and obedience to her Lord who holds her life in His hands.
The surrendering called for in these verses, both v. 21 and v. 22-24, is essential for a man and woman to begin a life built on a foundation of love, peace and mutual respect and trust; rather than a battle of wills. Because the truth is that we, both men and women, are not people in need of a little growth; we are rebels that need to lay down our arms.
Okay guys…I hope you haven’t gotten too comfortable; because it’s time to put down the remote and listen up. It’s your turn now. The calling on us as husbands in the following verses is a great one, indeed. As a matter-of-fact, I would suggest to you that you stick that speech about wives submitting to their husbands (you know, the one you were about to read to your wife) in the bottom drawer for a while; because brother, you have your work cut out for you. In verses 25-26a we read:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it…
Here is our next order: to love our wives as Christ loves the church and gave his life for it. I know you have told your wife at one time or another that you would run into a burning building to save her, jump in front of her to take a bullet, protect her from a charging grizzly, etc. However, the rubber is about to hit the road. No more “what would you do if…” because a real challenge is before you now. How much would you be willing to sacrifice so that your wife could be set apart for God? Would you give up your job, your wealth or your reputation? Would you change your life so that she could belong to God? Or how about this: would you be willing to endanger your relationship so that she could belong to God; sacrificing your own comfort and happiness? Would you be willing to suffer so that she could be sanctified? I hope you can answer yes because that is what it means to love your wife like Christ loves the church.
Don’t get me wrong, our lives together are not an endless series of grand sacrifices. Many of the sacrifices that we are called to make are simply choices; choosing to live for God instead of ourselves and choosing to include God in our daily life. We can see some of this in v. 26b:
…having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word…
Are we doing this for our wives? Are we washing them with the word? We could choose to watch television each night or we could choose to pray together. We could get out of bed each morning at the last minute; passing each other in the bathroom as we rush off to work or we could start each day with devotions before the Lord. We could rush off to the Cineplex to catch the latest block-buster or we could set aside some time to worship together. Certainly we must cultivate and develop brotherly relationships as well as finding time to just kick back and relax; but it should never be at the expense of our spiritual duty to our wives. And brothers, it is our duty. Over the years men have abdicated the responsibility for the spiritual life of the home and family to the woman. Clearly these verses say otherwise. Are you washing your wife with the word?
Now comes the big one: vs. 27-31
Christ did this, so that he would have a glorious and holy church, without faults or spots or wrinkles or any other flaws. In the same way, a husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself. A husband who loves his wife shows that he loves himself. None of us hate our own bodies. We provide for them and take good care of them, just as Christ does for the church, because we are each part of his body. As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother to get married, and he becomes like one person with his wife."
Christ paid the ultimate price on behalf of His bride and we must be prepared to do the same. He could never bring the bride He loved into the presence of His Father until He was able to make her spotless, sinless and perfect. The only way He could do that is by absorbing her stains, sins and imperfections and then dying so that those things would die with him. Upon His death, the price for her perfection was paid. Then an amazing thing happened. He rose from death in perfection once again. And that perfection now shone in the eyes of His bride. He was now fully a part of her and she was fully a part of Him. His love for her and her love for Him had now knitted them so closely together that they were as one. This is the mystery of Genesis revealed:
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof: and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Gen 2:21-24
What price would you be willing to pay to accomplish this oneness with your wife? Would you be willing to die to self? Would you be willing to absorb her wrong and bare her blame? When angry arguments threaten to separate you, are you more concerned with reconciling yourself to your wife or are you consumed with winning the argument? Would you rather hear her admit that you’re right or see the sparkle of love in her eyes? What price would you pay? Would you tell her you’re sorry and absorb the wrong, even if you knew you were right?
We must be willing to pay whatever it costs; for this is how Christ loves the church. As her husband you must love her, honor her, defend her, pray for her, feed and nourish her. You may be the head of the home but she is the heart. Deprive your own heart of what it needs and let me know how that works out for you. Finally Paul ends with v. 33:
But every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.
Paul knits these two ideas together for a reason and they must not be separated; although many foolishly have no trouble doing so. And here is the reason: if you will love your wife as Christ loves the church, if you will take up your responsibility to wash her in the word, if you are willing to sacrifice all to present her to God blameless, to pay any price to help her realize all she was meant to be in Christ, loving her as you love yourself, honoring her as your beautiful bride and surrendering to her in the fear of the Lord; you won’t have to worry about this final command. Respect will flow from you wife like a mountain stream. And it will be her joy and privilige to drench you with it. This is the responsibility that Christ lays before us as husbands: to love our wives with such fullness and sacrifice that we open the divine door “…to becom(ing) one flesh.” This is the mystery and the blessing; by meeting the needs of your wife you meet your own needs.
So, love her as if she was part of your heart, part of your flesh, and part of your very soul; because through the mystery and the miracle of Christ…she is!
I
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