FaithWriters.com-Christian Writers Forum

TracePezzali wrote:
In one of your examples (I don't know how to show the quote, sorry) you gave a list, without the final description having 'and' as a bridge. Is this a rule broken for effect, or not a rule at all?

I can't find the list you're asking about (sorry), so I can't answer this question. Can you type it out? More than likely, it's a mistake on my part rather than a broken rule.

To quote someone's post, just go to that post and click the 'quote' icon at the upper right. Their post will then show up in the body of a new post for you to type in. If you want, you can delete selected material in their post so that only the part you're interested in remains. Just don't delete any of the HTML characters at the beginning and at the end of their quote.

glorybee wrote:
A few paragraphs later:

After pulling on jeans and a tee, Lisa starts to walk. It’s early—not yet hot—and she follows the salt in the air, the loudening of the ocean. A battered boardwalk takes her to a wonderland of rust, faded paint, splintered wood. An abandoned amusement park. A faded sign reads “Ferdy’s Funland.”

Jan, I think this may be what Trace was referring to. You didn't use "and" before "splintered wood."

Ashley

HISsparrow wrote:

glorybee wrote:
A few paragraphs later:

After pulling on jeans and a tee, Lisa starts to walk. It’s early—not yet hot—and she follows the salt in the air, the loudening of the ocean. A battered boardwalk takes her to a wonderland of rust, faded paint, splintered wood. An abandoned amusement park. A faded sign reads “Ferdy’s Funland.”

Jan, I think this may be what Trace was referring to. You didn't use "and" before "splintered wood."

Ashley

Ah! Yeah, that was a style choice. Thanks, Ashley.

Thanks Ashley, thanks Jan

To clarify then, it's usual to include the 'and' but not essential for good grammar? Just trying to get it right in my head. I've always tended not to put the 'and' but since writing on Faithwriters i have been more conscious of including it.

Teehee, one great reason would be word count

Yes. If it works best for your voice and for the style of the piece you're writing, you may omit the 'and.'

Ooh, I've got another question, which is relevant to pacing in a way, but more so on correct grammar and the writers voice.

Omitting the first word of a sentence - the little words.

Like:

I catch the bus and have to hold my nose. The stink of body odour is overpowering. I think I'm going to gag or passout.

would be reduced to:

Catch the bus and have to hold my nose. Stink of body odour is overpowering. Think I'm gonna gag, passout.

I find it quite frustrating to read that. Am I the only one? I do understand it could be the character's voice or writers style. What would publishers and editors think?

TracePezzali wrote:Ooh, I've got another question, which is relevant to pacing in a way, but more so on correct grammar and the writers voice.

Omitting the first word of a sentence - the little words.

Like:

I catch the bus and have to hold my nose. The stink of body odour is overpowering. I think I'm going to gag or passout.

would be reduced to:

Catch the bus and have to hold my nose. Stink of body odour is overpowering. Think I'm gonna gag, passout.

I find it quite frustrating to read that. Am I the only one? I do understand it could be the character's voice or writers style. What would publishers and editors think?

Great question!

I think it's definitely a matter of writer's voice. In the example you've given, we're reading the character's thoughts, and people rarely think in complete, grammatical sentences. It would be a way for the writer to attempt to realistically convey what thoughts are genuinely like.

I don't know what publishers would think. As an editor, I know that I'd leave it in, mostly, for authenticity (although in your example, I'd probably put the "I" back in the first sentence, and I'd make 'pass out' two words).

Also, when you're doing html here in the forums, you use brackets [ ] rather than the left and right arrows < > that you use when submitting your Writing Challenge entries. Easier still, highlight what you want to italicize, then click the little 'i' above the box you're typing in, and the html will be added for you.

Hi Jan,
I thought I'd try to jump in and try your lesson from March on pacing. I chose the first one with the fast pace and tried to slow it down using mostly internal thought which didn't seem to transfer showing the italics? Hope this works and that my changes didn't take away from the original piece too much. Thank you for your time and attention to teaching us all. Blessings, Francie

The gal at the ticket counter was checking her phone for messages when Dee walked up, wanting to buy a ticket. “Where to, ma’am?” she said.

Dee bit her lip as she looked off into the distance lost in thought. Should I be doing this?...do I really want to go there... he’s always been so mean to me, why would he be any different now? The new dress was neatly tucked away in the small suitcase she carried. Maybe he’ll like it, she hoped.

“Ma’am?

The irritated tone jerked her thoughts back to the woman behind the cold counter. She took a deep breath, then pretended courage with a brusky voice,“Duluth. I’m going to Duluth, Minnesota.”

“Round trip?”

“No.” Not on God’s green earth she thought. Then she cleared her throat before stating it a second time, louder. “No, I want a one-way ticket, please.”

The ticket agent paused with confusion. Who buys a one-way ticket to Minnesota? Poor lady. Homely, too.

She didn’t notice Dee bouncing on the balls of her feet, impatient to finish the transaction. The pulse beat rapidly in Dee’s throat as she held tightly to the bundle of letters tightly gathered with a rubber band tucked in her purse.

Well done, Francie! Your method of slowing the pace by adding Dee's thoughts worked very well. I'm very much enjoying reading your contributions to my little lessons.