Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: CROWD (07/06/17)
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TITLE: A Crippling Dance | Previous Challenge Entry
By Phillip Cimei
07/12/17 -
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He mother hummed to her an old negro spiritual, Balm of Gilead, wilting her tense body like a spent rose in summer’s sultry heat. “Momma, I feel so alone at school.”
She gave Jessica a rolling chuckle that almost bounced her off her lap, “Oh Child, you are never alone.”
Jessica was the only colored girl at this all white desegregated school. It was the 1960’s and the tension was as ripe as the plump fall peaches in this southern Georgia town.
Jessica looked up, her brows revealing a queried frown, “But Momma, I have no friends at school, and everyone scoots their desk away from me in class. They make me feel so sad and lonely.”
Her mother drew her close with a gentle hug, “Baby girl, you are never alone. God is working his work in you and when God works his work there is always a crowd.”
Jessica pulled away with an impish grin. She knew she was in for her momma’s Jesus story.
Her mother set her on an old weathered and cracked stool, then put her hands on her hips. “You think you are alone? Jesus had people make fun of him. But he always had a crowd that followed him. He had God working his work, and oh sweet child,” her gapped teeth accentuate her wide grin and her round portly cheeks, “when God uses someone to work his work, there is always a crowd.”
Jessica smirked a little, but then whimpered another burden, “But I bet Jesus didn’t have to sit alone on the bus, or use a separate bathroom like I do when I walk to town to buy candy. Or order his food and then wait outside to get it.”
Jessica’s mother grabbed her hands, pulled them up to her lips, gently laid a few sweet kisses on them and prayed, “Dear Jesus open this sweet child’s heart.”
She reached over to an old worn family bible. It was filled with lithographs of bible events. She said, “Child, you look through these pictures starting here,” opening to the book of Matthew, “and I’ll be right back with some milk and cookies.”
Jessica started with Jesus as a baby, he was surrounded by three men in funny clothes, and angels hovering all above him in his manger. Then, he was sitting on a mountain side, and there were scores of people with a mesmerized look on their faces. She continued with the wedding feast and the feeding of the five thousand. Her mother returned.
Jessica smiled as the aroma of freshly backed chocolate chip cookies made her heart flutter, “I don’t understand, Momma, these people didn’t look mean.”
Her momma took the book as she handed Jessica the cookies. She then turned to pictures of the Pharisees gnashing their teeth and Jesus escaping their attempts of stoning. She thumbed through picture after picture, some crowds were singing praises as the sick were healed and the dead were raised. But some showed anger and contorted faces.
Jessica’s eyes widened in amazement as the pictures started showing the cruel and heart wrenching scenes at the trial and flogging, “Momma, they spit on him, like they do me, and laughed at him when they put that thorny thing on his head and that rob on him.”
Her mother then showed her the crowd of soldiers and onlookers pointing fingers, faces twisted with hate and anger, laughing when the spikes pierce his hands and feet. Jessica could not hold back tears, “Why are those people so cruel, Momma?”
A deep throated melody of The Old Rugged Cross proceeded her mother explaining the story of salvation, and how these crowds needed to be there, because this was the work of God. She finally showed the resurrection, the crowd at the tomb, and the ascension.
Jessica wept bitterly, “Momma, I want Jesus to help me so I can be strong like him.” Her tender heart found Jesus that night.
The next day at school, as the taunting continued, Jessica smiled because she knew God worked HIS work with THIS crowd by comforting her with HIS crowd— angels rejoiced and the Holy Spirit comforted. She knew it was a “Crippling Dance”, but not one she would have to dance alone.
Writer’s additional note: The phrase Crippling Dance is taken from Lillian Smith’s memoirs about the black/white rituals and expected racial etiquette.
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My only red ink is to show the decade instead of telling us, maybe by instead of saying it was the 1960's, you mention who was leading the desegregation movement.
I loved this description of Jessica's mother: "her gapped teeth accentuate her wide grin and her round portly cheeks". She was brought to life in my minds eye. Nice job!!
My red ink is more a pale pink. I think my biggest thing would be the subtle clichés. You're too good of a writer to rely on them. At times they work if they fit the character's personality, but here ones like ripe as a plump peach, lovingly stroked, indignities of prejudice were more of a narrative.
Actually that first paragraph had much more telling and clichés than showing. I might edit it like this: Jessica smeared tears and snot across her puffy face. While Mama attempted to console her by disentangling Jessica's hair that clung to her sticky cheeks, sobs wracked the little girl's body causing her to hiccup.
Mama balled her hands and clenched her teeth as the situation tormented her thoughts. <i>It's not fair that prejudice can reach out and choke the beauty out of this precious ten-year-old sweetheart. </i>
(Here I had a POV shift because it's told in Jessica's POV not Mama's, but I didn't realize that until later. If telling through Jessica's eyes, she wouldn't know her mother's thoughts; but I liked the example so I left it just to show an example of what I meant by showing more than telling.)
I may have gone a bit overboard to make my point, but I hope I showed the situation by using body language and thoughts. You do have some fine descriptions, I just would like to see it even more. Be careful of little things like no apostrophe in 1960s (here it's plural, not a possessive number like 1965's fashion statement, so no apostrophe.) You also missed tiny things like not capping Negro or Bible. Lastly, go through and count how many times you repeated variations the words, work and crowd. I understand with kids'stories, you do want to use some repetition, especially with unfamiliar words, but since the MC is 10, the audience is about that same age and doesn't need it the way a 4 or 5 yo might.
With all that said, I totally enjoyed your delightful storyline, strong characters, and powerful message. Jesus became human just for this reason. There isn't another god ever invented who gets us humans like the one true God does. How cool is that? I also think you did a great job of presenting conflict right away and allowing the child to figure out how to resolve it with just a tiny bit of guidance. That's great and the way to go with this genre. Often writers make the mistake of having an adult swoop in and resolve it, but you didn't fall into that trap. I enjoyed it thoroughly and love seeing you bloom more and more!
Blessings~
Nevertheless, you had some really shining moments of dialogue and descriptive characterizations. I would also have liked to know more about the "Crippling Dance."