If God Is Love | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: If God Is Love | Previous Challenge Entry
By Donna Powers
05/10/17
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Dear Eugene,
I’m sure you’re surprised to hear from me. At our last meeting, I gave you the impression I want nothing to do with you. I’m sorry I said the things I did. Please give me a chance to apologize for my unloving words and attitude.
I wish I could describe what was going through my mind the day my son died. I didn’t express my love for him very eloquently – because I was feeling so angry at meeting you. Of course I’d guessed what Steven’s life been; but my lifelong beliefs prevented me from accepting it as reality. Until you walked into the hospital room, I could pretend you were only “Steven’s roommate” – and my denial continued to depict my son as I’d imagined him.
I’ve always believed certain absolute truths. Those beliefs had been unchallenged for so long. I never considered there could be more than one way to see such truths. I still don’t know how I feel, but I can no longer leave my convictions unchallenged.
When I thought about Men Like You, I’d had a set image in mind. When I’d imagined you, it was as someone who wore his Sin like a cloak of shame. When they told me you were going to visit, I expected you to prance into Steven’s room, realize my presence superseded your right to visit Steven and slink sadly away forever.
I was cold and dismissive with you. I demanded you leave, but you didn’t. Your eyes were fixed on Steven. I couldn’t believe you had the nerve to visit him; to barge into my precious last few hours with my son. But, you went straight to his side, held his hand, and began weeping.
As you passed me I couldn’t help but recognize the look on your face: pure love.
How could that be?
You may have lived with him over 20 years, but I’d been certain True Love couldn’t possibly have been part of That Kind of Thing.
But it was love -no question. And if God is love, as I believe….. I just don’t know the end of that sentence. But I was so shocked by my realization I couldn’t speak intelligibly. I collapsed in tears and left the room. I couldn’t handle - or identify what I was feeling.
Later, when Steven died, I tried to connect with you in the moment of grief; but you were understandably dismissive of my condolences.
By the time of his funeral, I’d buried my ambivalence and reverted to my familiar convictions. I could see your grief was genuine, but couldn’t allow myself to emerge from my cocoon of self-righteousness. After all, he was my son. You’d had no legal claim on his life; any part you’d played in his life was better ignored. Never mind my fleeting glimpses of a man grieving for the loss of love; I wanted your part in his life to be forever buried with him.
I wish I could explain my evolution of thought since Steven’s funeral. I was numb for many weeks afterward, but then began flashing back to the moments we’d spent together in the hospital. We’d barely spoken, but I knew my condemnation was palpable in the air. I’d let my preconceived ideas get in the way of sharing that moment with someone who’d also loved him.

I still can’t wrap my head around all the truths of your relationship with Steven, but I’ve had to consider that maybe you two shared a loving and nurturing relationship. It’s hard for me to process how to reconcile this with my beliefs. I don’t dislike you– it’s just what you represent. Meeting you – and being confronted by the differences in my preconceived notions from what I was compelled to recognize as a new aspect of my old truths – has torn my life’s beliefs from their hinges.

I hope this letter allows you to see I’m trying to make peace with my thoughts about you. I’d like another chance to talk with you about Steven. I believe there are things you could share with me about him – and maybe you have questions for me.

May we please meet for coffee, and see how that goes? There’s a coffee shop near the courthouse where Steven and I used to enjoy ice cream sodas. I’ll meet you there this Sunday at noon.

May God bless you
Barbara

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