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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS (don't write about the song) (05/14/15)
This is the motto of St Schismatus’ College, which trains students in monitoring church doctrine and governance. Graduates are called Truth-erans, but their special honours graduates―ranking highest in suspicion and sarcasm―are recognised as Sleuth-erans―who can almost smell errors two towns away...

They eagerly search out faults among God’s people―using sarcastic assessments to create a divisive sar-chasm―and they are armed with state-of-the-art weapons from their doctrinal lab-oratory.

This lab-oratory―with its stress on spoken words―pioneered the anti-Catholic Masonic bomb. But it now produces a range of IDBMs―Inter Denominational Ballistic Missiles―to attack all churches or denominations, which they disdain as abom-inations or demon-itations for their evil errors.

They allege that Myth-odists have dispensed with the scripture; and they have no time for their Mess-odist cousins.

Cancer-ismatics are railed for their emotionalism.

They’ve never been im-priest with Catholics, whose faults are too many to mention. In short, they think that emphasis on Mary is virgin on the ridiculous; so Catholics should give up pope altogether!

They disparage the De-formed Presbyterians.

They cannot trust anyone from Di-sly-ples churches.

They resent the verbosity of the Blab-tists.

They accuse Episcop-aliens of being too strange.

Mania-nites are labelled as plain crazy for their naivety.

And as for the Seventh Day Apprentices…

They accuse Bent-ecostal churches―like Assemblies of Odd and Apost-ate-olics―of warping the truth; and they think that Salvation Harmy music should simply be band!

Any inter-church cooperation is seen as succumbing to the ecu-nom-ical movement: compromising their teaching to save money.

Their only acceptable translation is the NIV―the Narrow Introspectional Version―with every verse that emphasises keeping unspotted from the world printed in red letters.

Outreach tactics belittle or shame people by attacking sins that their victims have never thought of; using arguments that demand biblical knowledge of anyone who ventures an opinion.

Anyone who hesitates is condemned for sinfulness; and they interpret any aggression at their insensitivity as persecution―a clear sign that they are faithfully protecting the truth.

Their confronting methods see time as too valuable to waste in building any relationships with anyone. They simply place their smoking bibles back in their holsters; ready to fire more verses and warfare at the next passer-by.

Pall-bearers at their funerals must be extra strong, for every casket contains bricks to add to their wall in heaven―so they can keep thinking they are the only ones who are there.

And speaking of the end, let’s briefly shift to the second part of their motto: “Piety In Action,” for Matthew 25’s parable of the sheep and the goats parallels what may await them; as they never realise that they are espousing “Piety Inaction.”

Since they focus on proving truth; and they need clear signs of God’s will before responding to any needs; Sleuth-erans too-easily miss Jesus’ choice of disguises as he steps into the pain of a world that has become estranged from him. Pain that reduces people to street smarts and cunning for survival.

Sleuth-erans never recognize him when he shuns the kind of identifiable religious jargon that locks them into a divisive shrinking world which is bereft of any joyful spontaneity.

Though they may win many battles, they may lose the war; for these judgemental, modern-day Pharisees sadly don’t see very phar at all.

Author’s Note…

While St Schismatus’ College is clearly fictitious; but while this exposé highlights the damage done by Sleuth-erans; here are a few ways we may find ourselves in their ranks...

By refusing to recognise that some people have been genuinely damaged by previous church contact.

By majoring on minor issues: like focusing on how to worship instead of who to worship.

Trying to protect the truth is another trap; even though Jesus describes the truth as powerful enough to set us free―way beyond our experience or expectations. But by embracing this God-given freedom, we may help spiritually-homeless people to discover their personal redemption potential―way beyond their experience or expectations.
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This article has been read 995 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Beth LaBuff 
05/23/15
Wow! Expertly written, off-the-charts clever writing! I think you covered every denomination. :) I had to laugh at the "demon-itations." Your final paragraphs still retains your pervasive humor yet brings home your message. This is great!
Linda Crowley
05/25/15
I loved the expression "spiritually homeless".It gives me something t think about.
The line about the Catholics is hard to follow - it needs to be the concept that is "virgin on the ridiculous" and only after re-reading it a couple of times did I understand that was what you were saying.
The final bit about the college being fictitious begins with "While...", then continues with "but while..."making it confusing.
Great article and fun to read!
C D Swanson 
05/27/15
What can I say that hasn't been said before in here and elsewhere?

Brilliant with truth wrapped up in a "fictious" college, bringing the topic home in a unique way.

Well done.

God bless~
C D Swanson 
05/27/15
What can I say that hasn't been said before in here and elsewhere?

Brilliant with truth wrapped up in a fictitious college, bringing the topic home in a unique way.

Well done.

God bless~
Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark
05/28/15
My hubby and I knew this was your perceptive and right-on-target tongue-in-cheek dissertation. Back in 2001 there were over 33,000 Christian denominations in this crazy world - each purporting to have The Answer.
It is a shame when the only unity a church body may have is agreement over the color of the carpeting . . .

Thanks for the memories!
C D Swanson 
05/28/15
Congratulations Noel, I knew this was going to be among the winners!

God bless~
lynn gipson 
05/28/15
Congratulations, my fine friend, on such a fine placing and EC on this very worthy entry! I am so proud and happy for you! Blessings~
Ellen Carr 
05/29/15
Knowing ahead who the author was, I was ready for a fun read. I wasn't disappointed!Well done, Noel, in dealing with the reality of churchy disagreements in such a humorous way. A well deserved EC.
Danielle King 
05/29/15
WOWEE! And to think I may have missed this masterpiece by being AWOL.

I am in total agreement with you all the way on this one.

Funny how your many Noelogisms read as smoothly as the English language to me, yet invariably, only on re-reading do I realise how clever they are. Your end notes summed up the message superbly. No wonder you placed so highly. Well deserved. Congratulations!
Ann Stocking
05/29/15
Congratulations!

This made me teary... both laughter tears (for your clever puns) and tears of sorrow, for the sad truth of it.