Makeover | Previous Challenge Entry | FaithWriters

The Official Writing Challenge

how it works

TITLE: Makeover | Previous Challenge Entry
By Francy Judge
07/17/14
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES

A single raindrop splashes upon my lip;
My eyes scan the sky to see its source.
Another one graces my eyelashes,
Blurring my vision for a moment.
I pedal faster.

To the west, a ginger sun
Nestles in the clouds, calm, unaware
Of what churns in the east;
Electricity crackles, white veins
Zig-zag through grey clouds,
Trimmed with violet edges,
Striking the ground somewhere
Not too far away.

I pedal faster
To beat the impending storm,
Remembering mom’s warning,
“Look at the sky…you shouldn’t go.”
“I’m fifteen…just a twenty minute ride…
And I’ll be back.”

But I’m not fast enough
When the sky opens
To sheets of rain.

A horn blares, too late;
Screeching, burning, scraping, slicing;
Metal wraps around me.
Pain inside-out, count to ten,
Hold my breath,
Pray.

Faces hover:
“Who is she?”
“…a name?”
A cool breeze brushes my skin
That doesn’t shiver;
I want to pedal away.

Sirens in the distance
Sing louder, louder
As loud as nothing;
Clouds spin,
A kiss of breath,
Fists beat my chest,
Until time stops.

As the rain ends,
Tears slip away.
The hum of voices hushes;
The world winds down to stillness;
Piercing pain dissipates into feathers
That float upward;
Night turns to day.

Gentle hands lead me
To light,
Remove my filthy clothes
In layers,
And wash me.
I know I am ready
To meet my Savior.

Silence trickles into song
As a choir of angels
Guide me into eternity;
I am made whole.

*******

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
2 Corinthians 5:17

PREVIOUS ENTRY | NEXT ENTRY
SUBMIT YOUR ENTRY FOR THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE

The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.

Accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior Right Now - CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.

This article has been read 807 times

Member Comments

Member

Date

07/18/14

Good imagery. I enjoyed your lines. The sudden transition to tragedy was jolting—highlighting the fragility of life. I'm glad you feathered the death, and included hope as it turned into a homecoming. Good work.

07/19/14

Your great imagery put me on the bicycle with you and I so did not expect to be a road victim. However the way you turned the horror into a blissful eternity was well worth the ride. Good take on the topic too.

Margaret Kearley

07/19/14

A great poem with some wonderful descriptions that draw the reader in on the journey. Good writing.

07/19/14

I agree with others - I was captivated by the imagery. Enjoyed the flow of the poem as well.

07/21/14

Wonderfully written.

07/21/14

This was such a roller coaster ride. This read much more like a story than a poem to me. If you can make me forget that I'm reading a poem, because I am just so caught up in the fabric of the story, then you've really done something.

You also did an excellent job of making me feel both pain and joy. Of course I couldn't help, as a parent, to still feel pain for the parent mentioned in this story, even as your 15 year old mc was being delivered home.

You did a great job of writing a very impactful piece.

07/21/14

I really enjoyed the story as it unfolded, but took a big breath at the ending. I'm not critical of the ending, but as a parent and grand-parent, it was sad.

I agree with the earlier comment that if your poetry reads as a story that carries you along, it is very well written. This free verse did that for me.

Blessings.

07/22/14

Wow so much power in so few lines.

A young girls frivolous rebellion resulting in irreversible consequences, but tempered with a grand ending.

Nicly done!

Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark

07/22/14

Sigh. Disobeying Mama has horrifying consequences. I agree with Bea - this was beautifully written, but if only she had obeyed her mother her earthly life could have been prolonged. This broke my heart - and mended it. Thank you.

Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom

07/23/14

Wow. This left me speechless. It reminded me of an article that used to run in Dear Abbey about a teen dying in a car accident. It makes me want to insist my kids always listen to me, but in the end, all that truly matters is that they are prepared to meet Jesus. Powerful piece.

07/23/14

Penetrating and deeply moving entry.

Well done.

God bless~